Wendy The Retard Needs A Deep Fryer ?

WENDY THE RETARD NEEDS MONEY FOR THE HOLIDAYS Wendy the Retard called in to wish everyone a happy holiday...and to ask for money. Robin and Howard asked what happened to the deal they made last time (the show gave Wendy some money under the condition she never call back to beg for more), so Wendy coughed that she wanted to renegotiate. Howard asked if Wendy was coughing/sick because she was overweight, and Wendy admitted that the theory was probably true, as she's up to 230lbs. Howard told Wendy that she should grow taller instead of fatter, but Wendy didn't think that was a possibility: "Because I came out a little retarded." Howard then promised Wendy $500 if she could answer a few questions correctly: What is math? Wendy: "Math is where you add, subtract, take away and divide." What is 8 plus 7? Wendy: "20." {Howard laughed that he'd give it to her anyway because she was within five.} What do you do if there's a fire in a movie theater? Wendy: "You should go to the fire exit." What's wrong with the Jews? Wendy: "They need to spend more time with Chinese people...[and] they don't have more common sense than other people." Why does everyone hate the Jews? Wendy: "Because people do not get along with them...because the Jews hate everybody and the Jews hate everyone that they don't like." How can you tell if a person is a Jew? Wendy: "They tap your shoulder when they introduce themselves to you." Are a Jew's horns 2, 3 or 5 inches tall? Wendy: "3 inches?" (When asked how she knew the answer, Wendy explained that she'd never seen a Jew's horns herself, she just knew the answer from a test she took before graduating high school.) Why would a white woman sleep with a black man? Wendy: "Because they love the black person." What do you get when you mate a black person with a horse? Wendy: "A donkey?" Why are black people scared of water? Wendy: "Because it's deep." What do you get when you mate a donkey with a Jew? Wendy: "A horse?" What do you get when you mate a Jew and a black person? Wendy: "A donkey?" Howard congratulated Wendy on answering all the questions correctly and awarded her $500. Wendy said she planned to use the money to buy her mom a deep fryer.

Howard Stern Gets a HEADSTONE for X - Mas ???

Howard started off the show with the Secret Santa gift exchange and presented Ken the Intern with a check to cover a major portion of his outstanding his student loans. Ted Summer from HowardTV then came in to give Howard his gift, but before he did he promised to be gracious no matter what it was. Gary then piped into ask if he really meant that and reported that the guys in the back office were betting that it would take about 30 seconds for him to start trashing his gift. Ted then unveiled his gift: a 350lb black marble gravestone. Howard was shocked: "Wow. Isn't that nice? I promised to be gracious. Thank you, Ted.” After struggling to say nice things for a bit, Howard added, “I can't contain myself. Ted, that is the shittiest gift I've ever received in my entire life." Gary came in to say the creepiest part was the open date – the headstone was engraved with a portion that read "1954 – ____," along with a picture of Howard and the Howard Fist logo. Ted added that he had struck a deal with the monument company to fill in the final part when the time comes...and handed Howard the guys card. Howard agreed that the gift was a bummer: "Way to suck up to your boss." Ted laughed that it could be used as a [350lbs.] doorstopper, and Doug Goodstein from HowardTV came in to suggest that they smash it with a sledgehammer. Howard didn't like the ideas anymore than the gift: "It's creepy."

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BeetleJuice Game & Ass Napkin Ed Moves in to Artie"s House ?

ASS NAPKIN ED MOVES IN Ass Napkin Ed called in to say he was trying to sell his ass napkins on Ebay, but the site's administrators keep taking his auctions down. Howard asked what else Ed was up to, so Ed said he'd actually been talking with Howard in his head: "[You told me] to go sit in the bathtub." Howard told Ed that he wasn't really in his head, but Ed didn't believe it. Ed then asked if he could park the camper he plans to buy in Artie’s beach-house driveway, but Artie said no. Howard gave Ed the opportunity make a little cash by playing The Beetlejuice Game, promising him $500 if he could correctly guess which questions Beet would answer correctly: Who is Saint Nick? Ed didn't think Beet would know the answer, but Beet had it down: "Saint Nick is f’ing Santa! Think I don't know that shit?" What holiday do the Jews celebrate during Christmas? Ed correctly guessed that Beet would get it wrong: "Who gives an f’ about Jews?" Name this tune [David Bowie and Bing Crosby's version of "Little Drummer Boy" plays]. Ed knew Beet had no chance, and true to form, Beet's answer was impossible to understand. What is the drink served during Christmas made with egg and milk? Ed again predicted that Beet would mess up, but Beet was on point: "What? That's egg-nog, moron." What is the name of the plant people kiss under during Christmas? Ed correctly guessed that Beet would blow it: "I know what that is. It's an f’ing reindeer kiss."

Stern Welcomes Taya Parker

Howard welcomed Taya Parker, the Penthouse Pet of the Year for 2009, and porn star/Penthouse Pet of the Month Teagan Presley. Howard told Teagan she was too hot to be a porn star and asked Taya how she was discovered. Taya said she started as an exotic dancer and eventually sent some pictures into Penthouse. Both girls said they were into anal sex, which led Howard to speculate that men would be happier with uninhibited girls like them. Teagan said he was right: "[They're] less likely to stray." Teagan told the crew that she was really into rough sex, including slapping and hair-pulling - she doesn't even like foreplay. Howard asked if she could orgasm without any foreplay, and Teagan reported that she could: "I once set a record. 23 orgasms in one session...I was tired." Howard then turned to Taya and asked if she gave private dances, she said she used to, but now she just usually does burlesque-type performances. JD ENJOYS A STRIPPER TRICK Taya wanted to show the crew her special lapdance "trick," so JD came in and sat down while Taya did a handstand and arched her back so her crotch was in his face. Howard didn't even know how to describe the stunt, so Teagan stepped in: "It's a back bend with her pussy in his face." JD was a fan of the trick: "She's a got a great ass. I loved it in my face." Taya then said she once danced for a guy and he had an "accident" in less than 15 seconds. Howard asked if Taya had ever danced for any celebrities, so she listed Kid Rock, Pam Anderson and Harrison Ford. Taya said Kid and Pam were fun but when she and some friends danced for Harrison Ford, he was kind of mean to them. Howard wondered if the girls were popular in high school, but Teagan denied it, saying she moved around too much to have many friends.

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GARY AND ARTIE AIR THEIR DIFFERENCES on Air with Howard

GARY AND ARTIE AIR THEIR DIFFERENCES ARE ARTIE'S LIES GOOD FOR THE SHOW? Artie opened the show speculating that his "lie-and-then-confess-later method" of dealing with the truth actually benefits the show. Howard thought the argument was hilarious, but Robin insisted that Artie's lies had flagged a deeper issue. Howard then played a clip of Brad Garrett during his last visit correctly guessing that Artie had stopped going to therapy and Artie lying in response: "I go Tuesdays and Thursdays...I will be there tomorrow." Artie speculated that Gary's comments on the issue (on yesterday's Wrap-Up Show) were indicative of an underlying resentment. Gary came in to laugh that, not only was the theory not true, but he thought the opposite was more likely the case – Artie resented him. Gary added that he felt betrayed by Artie's dishonesty, but Artie argued that it was like he had slept with Gary's wife: "I'm too honest. That's the problem. You people shouldn't even know that I'm in therapy [in the first place]." Artie did admit that he has lied in the past: "I've had girls that I told I've never been with whores." Gary said he thought Artie started to resent him after seeing one of his paychecks, but Artie laughed that off: "I can't even believe that's what you said. That's not even on my mind." Gary ignored Artie's protests, saying he still thought the incident was an issue: "You thought it was too much." Howard laughed: "I think it's too much." Lisa G came in to say that Artie tried to show her Gary's paycheck at his birthday party, but Artie claimed he was just joking. Howard asked Lisa if she was still upset with Artie, and Lisa said she went through her file of Artie quotes yesterday: "We're not gonna have a good ending...I don't feel good about this." Artie told Lisa, "That's crazy. You're a nutto...I'm gonna bang you, but I'm worried. 'Cause you're crazy." Jason came in to confirm Lisa's story: "You had the check out and you were showing it around the party." Artie said, "I don't deny that I told people about getting the check [by mistake]. I had a couple drinks. But I didn’t even have it with me at the party, I was joking." howardstern.com

Howard"s Bad Hair Day !

MONDAY BACK FROM VACATION HOWARD'S HAIR ISSUE Howard started off the show saying his hair was changing in a way his hairdresser Toni calls "hormonal." Howard added that so far he's been blessed with good hair - but now the entire back of his head has lost its curl: "It's stick-straight hair. Toni has to take a curling iron to it." She has even suggested that Howard perm the affected area, but Howard refused, even balking at the idea of Beth doing it in private: "To quote [the Iron Sheik], that is gay, and faggot." Howard claimed his hair issue extended to the nearly 5,000 photos taken at his wedding, which he and Beth have split into three categories: pictures to blow-up/frame (only 7), pictures to send people and pictures for the wedding album. Howard said the process was excruciating: "I don't like the way I'm aging. I don't like the way I look...when I look at myself in the mirror, I kind of look handsome. And then I look at these pictures and I don't look anything like that." howardstern.com

LOOK WHO’S COMING,OUT OF THE Gay CLOSET??

LOOK WHO’S COMING...OUT OF THE CLOSET High Pitch Mike came in to announce that he had a meltdown after he failed Ed Torian's lie-detector test last month. After Ed found his answer to the "Are you gay?" question to be deceptive, Mike listened to Brian McKnight's "Never Felt This Way" on repeat and realized he was never going to experience the kind of love Howard and Beth or his parents share: "The song made me realize how lonely I was and how empty my life has been...it's time for me to come out of the closet and admit...I am gay." MIKE OUTS HIS SUPPORTERS Mike said he came out to a few people before today's announcement, including his sister, Howard 100 News director Brad Driver and Artie, who was particularly warm and supportive. Mike noted that he also told his mother - even though she'd previously threatened to disown him if he was gay - and she surprised him: "There was anger and disappointment. I said I didn't choose to be this way. No one chooses to be treated like a second-class citizen...she said, 'I love you and I just want you to be happy...I want you to be happy in your life no matter what...I love you more than life itself.'" WILL GAY MIKE = LOW-PITCH MIKE? Howard told Mike he was very brave ("I'm very proud of you and happy for you.") and asked if Mike had ever been with any guys. Mike said he had: "My mom will listen to this...I don't want to get too explicit." Mike said he first knew he was gay in sixth grade and didn't act on his desires until college: "I haven't been dating actively." Howard asked if Mike felt different, and Mike said he just hoped his could help other people. Mike then looked back over his previous segments on the show and admitted: "Going to a Michael Jackson concert, that's being a child of the 80s. Going to a Madonna concert, yeah, that's gay." Robin wanted to know Mike's type, so Mike explained that he wasn't into flamboyant gay guys. Howard then predicted that Mike's voice would eventually become lower, as high-pitched voices are usually the result of stress – and Mike has freed himself from its grasp. Mike welcomed the idea: "I hope you're right." howardstern.com

Bam"s Best Friend Novack Tosses Richards Salad !

NOVAK TOSSES RICHARD’S SALAD Novak told the crew that he'd do pretty much anything for cash - even gay sex acts: "I'll take one pump for $250." Howard decided that Novak should lick Richard's taint, so Richard came in and dropped trou’ ("I'm worried.") and Novak spat out his gum, setting his own agenda: "C'mere, gimme that asshole!" Everyone screamed their reaction as Brandon tongued Richard, who resisted until Brandon told him to submit: "Don't make this rape turn into a murder, boy!" After the tongue lashing, Richard said it felt like "someone shoving a wet piece of toilet paper up my bunghole." NOVAK WILL DO (ALMOST) ANYTHING FOR $ Gary then came in to say Sal had a big juicy hemorrhoid and might let Novak lick it. Sal disputed the story, saying he'd only do the stunt if the prize money was sweetened: "If you make it a grand, I'll do it." Sal then turned around and bent over to show the crew what they were paying for. Howard was disgusted by "something hanging there," and Artie thought it looked like Sal was shitting out an eyeball. Even Novak refused to suck the inflamed 'rhoid and Howard thanked him, remarking that he was scared of the health risks involved. A BAM STYLE THREESOME: TWO GUYS, ONE CHICK Bam noted that he once tried to have a threesome with Missy and another guy (the lead singer of the rock group H.I.M.), but Missy had turned them down. Bam admitted that it would've been a little awkward - in the morning: "It would've been fun, but the next day when I woke up..." Missy agreed, saying she didn't even consider it. Howard then plugged HowardTV's "The Most Outrageous Stern Show Moments of 2008," which will be hosted by Bam, and declared that Novak tonguing Richard's butthole was sure to be number one. howardstern.com

Miss Howard TV - Megan ( November )

Hey Now !?

Howard Stern & John Stamos

JOHN STAMOS IN STUDIO JOHN STAMOS IS A GOOD TIME John Stamos stopped by to promote his new Lifetime movie, "The Two Mr. Kissels," and bragged about running into the beautiful Natalie Portman on a hike the other day. Howard speculated that John was already banging her: "The minute after John meets these girls, he's banging them." John said he was a one woman guy these days, adding that his girlfriend, Leah, is a big fan: "She likes you...I have a great picture of her in your shower. I'll show you. Just her butt. It's really cute." John noted that the picture was taken when he and Leah hung with Howard and Beth during their "honeymoon" at their Hamptons home. Doug Goodstein came in to say his wife was blown away by John's "aura" at Howard's wedding, so John apologized: "Sorry, Doug…Give me your wife's number." John and Howard talked a little about how some of the wedding guests went outside to smoke pot during the wedding and Howard recalled that the last time he smoked pot, he was with John at Mr. Chow's in LA: "I didn't like it. And then what's-his-name drove the wrong way down the street because the paparazzi were chasing us." John laughed that "what's-his-name" was Rick Rubin. HE’S NOT A DOCTOR, BUT HE PLAYS ONE ON TV John took issue with Robin for never thanking him after he donated two personal tours of the "E.R." set to her Girls Night Out charity, and Robin apologized: "I feel bad." Howard asked if it was true that John had turned down a spin-off featuring his "E.R." character, and John said it had been discussed but never developed. Howard wondered if anything had developed between John and Victoria's Secret model Emma Heming, so John said: "That was fast. That was just a transitional, uh...she's with Bruce Willis now." howardstern.com

Ham Hands Visits Howard Stern

HAM HANDS BILL! Ham Hands Bill stopped to promote his "I Want To Be the Next Howard Stern" test show (tonight on Howard 101 at 7pm ET) and told the crew that even he couldn't believe some of the things he said in his demo: "This is a contest...and I wanted to explore it." Howard asked if Ham Hands' perversions were caused by his injury, and Ham Hands' admitted they might be: "It was an accident and it affected my whole right side. It was a head injury." Ham Hands also said it could be due to the rough neighborhood he grew up in: "There were prostitutes and drugs...You [had] to defend your friends and fight for yourself." Howard asked what Ham Hands planned on doing for tonight's show, so Ham Hands said he was going to reveal something about himself: "Something I didn't even know...sometimes I surprise myself. It became a big deal to me once I found out about it. It's a big deal to me. I don't know if it'll be a big deal to you." Howard speculated that Ham Hands might beat off during tonight's show, and Ham Hands admitted he might: "I don't know. If Robin calls."

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sAL tALKS Obama"s Policies

SAL FIGHTS TO UNDERSTAND On Wednesday's Wrap-Up Show, Jon Hein celebrated Obama's victory by asking Sala few political questions. Sal admitted he was confused about many issues, including: when Obama's presidency will actually begin, practical timelines for Obama's policies and why change can't happen overnight. Jon tried to answer Sal's questions, but Sal went into what Gary's calls "Stockbroker mode" and began yelling that the staff was brainwashed. Gary asked Sal to swear on his family that he voted for Obama, but Sal refused, as he doesn't believe in swearing on his family. Sal said he did vote for Obama - and no one else, explaining (in increasing volume) that all politicians are liars. Sal added that he was trying to read the paper to become more aware of the political climate, but the show always mocks these attempts instead of allowing him to work through his confusion. SAL FINDS HIS POINT Sal's confusion began to leak through in his language: he started saying "republic" instead of Republican and "abzerd" instead of absurd. Eventually Sal stumbled on a legitimate point where he'd done some firsthand research, remarking that when he interviewed Harlem residents about Obama's "conservative policies" (he'd switched them with McCain's) and they all agreed with Obama, he learned that black people were only voting along racial lines. Is Sal Right or Wrong ?? HOWARDSTERN.COM

Eric The Midget Visit The Howard Stern Show For The First Time !

ERIC MEETS DIANA DEGARMO Howard triumphantly welcomed Eric's favorite American Idol contestant, Diana DeGarmo into the studio! Artie was stunned: "Is that really her?" Howard asked Diana if Eric's constant calls to her mom's home scared her, and Diana explained: "Calling my mother's house was interesting, but my number was unlisted - and hers is no longer...It's a little weird to have someone you've never met before call the house." Eric then asked Diana if she'd like to "continue seeing-meeting with each other" and she replied, "Yeah, at the shows." Robin told Diana that Eric wanted to see her more than just at her concerts, but Artie thought Eric would have a better chance of f’ing Ruben Studdard. Diana agreed, saying her boyfriend would have a problem with that. KURT ANGLE MAKES A GREAT WINGMAN TNA wrestler Kurt Angle also stopped by to say hi to Eric and said that Howard inspired his move to help build TNA into the WWE's main professional wrestling competitor: "It's been a growing experience and it's getting bigger and better." Kurt then told Eric not to blow his big chance to profess his love to Diana: "You have to ask her. You have to have the balls to ask her...I'm gonna make you an honorary member of The Main Event Mafia and as an honorary member, you have to go for the 'P.'" Eric eventually broke down and turned to Diana: "I was wondering, the next time you're out in California, would you like to meet for dinner?" Diana said she'd think about it: "That's not a no! If I do, I'll hit you up on MySpace." Kurt was bummed and offered Eric something better: "You know what? You can f’ me." Eric refused: "No. You're a guy." Natalie Maines then asked the Bunny Ranch girls how long they were with Eric, and they reported that the love-making session lasted two hours. howardstern.com

CRAPTACULAR Was the Shit ??

THE Craptacular'S FINAL MOMENTS Howard started off the show checking in with Joey Boots and High Pitch Erik, as the Craptacular was set to conclude in less than an hour. Shuli was on the scene and reported that High Pitch had crapped 10 oz. in the last 23 hours, and Joey had pulled ahead with 1lb 7oz.. Artie had money on the contest and began yelling at Erik: "You suck Erik! You can't even shit good!" High Pitch said his stomach was killing him and promised that he'd stay on the pot - and it paid off: he churned out another 12oz of diarrhea for a tie! A half hour later Erik shat again, putting himself ahead with a total of 1lb 10oz. In the last minute, Joey and Erik got into a shit-off, in which Joey pulled even at 1lb 10oz. Erik stole it in the final seconds, however, crapping a 24-hour total of 2lbs. Erik promised to split his winnings with Joey, and Artie got in the spirit as well, splitting the money he won off the contest ($200 each from Howard and Robin, who both bet on Joey) between the two contestants. howardstern.com

Time For A Diaper Change For Richard ?

Richard came in to say he wore a diaper to this weekend's Coheed & Cambria shows: "I guess they're made to be used once and then changed. After about the third time, they start to leak." Richard claimed he pissed himself four times: "The second night, I thought, 'Maybe if I double up, they won't leak,' but they still didn't hold up." Richard said the pee ran down his legs and soaked his socks and shoes: "I probably had about 10 or 15 beers each night howardstern.com

Artie Gives Money Away !

CHARITY STARTS IN THE BACK OFFICE Howard came back from a break laughing that Artie was handing out $100 bills in the hall. Among the takers: Lisa G, JD, Scott DePace, Jason, Ronnie the Limo Driver, one of the interns and Scott the Engineer. Will actually got $1100, but Artie owed him that - or he owed it to Dominic Barbara, who owed money to Will, so he just cut out the middle man. howardstern.com

Marcia Brady Visits Howard Stern

MAUREEN MCCORMICK IN STUDIO MARCIA BRADY DID WHAT FOR COKE? Maureen “Marcia Brady” McCormick stopped by to promote her new book, “Here's the Story,” and told the crew that her relationship with Eve Plumb (aka “Jan Brady”) was different than most thought: she was always jealous of Eve (Eve's boobs were bigger). Howard noted that the book's coke stories are making headlines, and Maureen laughed that coke turned her into a slut: “I was if they had coke...I felt like I could do anything. I felt like I was perfect.” Howard noted that Maureen once even let a guy videotape her nude, and Maureen admitted it was true: “I was 18 or 19.” Howard then appealed to the audience: “If anyone has that tape, can they send it to me?”?” GREG ALMOST TOOK MARCIA’S CHERRY Maureen told the crew that cocaine use wasn't her only youthful mistake – she also planned to lose her virginity to Barry Williams (aka “Greg Brady”): “It's really weird. And I'm glad we never did it...his parents walked in on us...I didn't do it so I must not have really wanted it.” When asked about her current relationship with Eve Plumb, Maureen confessed: “We don't really have a relationship...she was my best friend when we were doing the show. I loved her...we would undress in front of each other...I [jokingly] said that I kissed Eve [on a late night show] and she hasn’t spoken to me since.” Howard asked Maureen about her date with Steve Martin, and she moaned that she “blew it. I was so coked out of my mind...I had nothing left in me...I didn't get any of his jokes and I wasn't laughing.” Maureen said she also went on dates with Michael Jackson and Wilt Chamberlain. Ham Hands Bill called in to ask if Maureen was ever molested, and she said, “Maybe when I was 17...” Another caller wanted to hear Maureen swear, and she obliged with the C-word. howardstern.com

Craptacular II

Coming soon in OCT. 2009 !

Howard Stern And Beth Get Married !

NEW YORK, NY -- A host of stars including John Stamos, Donald Trump and Barbara Walters turned up at the Le Cirque restaraunt in New York City on Friday night for the wedding of Howard Stern and model Beth Ostrosky. Dressed in a grey suit and on the arm of a pretty brunette, Stamos turned up grinning as he headed into the ceremony. Though they split earlier this summer, former couple Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman walked in together, Access can report. But it was Howard and his bride Beth who made the biggest entrance. The couple made a very untraditional arrival - turning up together. Chauffeured in a black limo, Howard exited the vehicle first, while Beth went in a short while later. The bride wore a white gown designed by Georgina Chapman with a white shawl-like wrap to stave off the New York City cold. Other stars attending the ceremony included "Live's" Kelly Ripa, whose husband Mark Consuelos was ordained as a minister specifically to marry Howard and Beth. Barbara Walters, Billy Joel and his wife Katie Lee Joel, Joan and Melissa Rivers, Artie Lang, Steve Schirippa, and Denise Rich also were spotted attending the event.

The Iron Sheik Returns !

BEWARE THE IRON SHEIK The Iron Sheik stopped by to promote his return to the Killers of Comedy line-up and told the crew that rumors about his recent behavior were untrue: “That jabroni Beetlejuice has a big mouth!” Sheik went on to complain about sharing a room with Beet when the comedy crew's on tour: “It was insult!” Howard asked if he knew that Beetle was at least partially retarded, but the Sheik claimed not to have known this. Howard then noted that Sheik recently got kicked out of a bar after the bartender claimed she didn’t know who he was, so he let lose with some of his favorite insults. Sheik claimed it was all the bartender’s fault: “She make me very mad.” The Sheik confessed that his wife of 35 years left him three months ago because he was poor: “She's a no-good golddigger!” Howard said he'd heard she left the Sheik due to his alcohol and drug use, but the Sheik claimed he'd changed his ways: “No more hard. No more coke.” The Sheik's manager came in to confirm the account: “I watch him on the road. It's a full-time job.” “I AM LEGEND! YOU ARE FAT PIECE OF SHIT!” Sheik then told several antagonistic callers that he was going to f’ them in the ass, but when Howard asked if the Sheik had ever followed through with the threat, the Sheik admitted that it was “against his Shiite religion.” A fake Macho Man Randy Savage called in and, as usual, the Sheik called him a “cheap Jew son of a bitch.” Artie then called in as “King Kong Bundy” to tell the Sheik he was gay, so the Sheik replied, “I am a legend! You are fat piece of shit!”

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iS Ralph Gay ??

NORM PROVES IT: RALPH IS OFFICIALLY GAY Ralph called in to tell a story about having dinner with Norm and a few others and Norm reaching over to put his hand on Ralph's thigh. Ralph didn't say anything so Norm left his hand there for several minutes before finally announcing that “Ralph's really gay! I've had my hand on his leg for five minutes and he hasn't moved it or said anything.” Norm laughed that the move was just his way of testing a guy's sexuality, but Ralph claimed he wasn't gay, although he wasn’t really sure why he put up with it either: “I don't know. I thought it was funny!”

Big Problems For Bigfoot ( Angelique Morgan Talks With Howard Stern )

BIGFOOT & ANGELIQUE MORGAN FACE OFF Howard welcomed Bigfoot and porn star Angelique Morgan ( Nude Pic Above ) to the studio to play Bigfoot Password. Howard asked Bigfoot if he was getting any action lately, so Bigfoot told the crew that he frequents a few women of the night: “I paid one girl with a laptop it is...you better believe I banged her. All night long.” Bigfoot said he paid another girl with a fifth a vodka “and a couple other things I can't talk about on the air it is.” Angelique told the crew she was also hitting some roadblocks on her way to love: every guy she meets is “super gay or is, like, taken.” Bigfoot said his recent legal troubles in the state of Vermont have solved themselves: “They found me uncompetent it is.” Richard then called in as “Vermont” to threaten Bigfoot, but Bigfoot wasn't scared: “My problem is your Newport cops up there in Newport it is...I wouldn't even hire them to push my wheelbarrow around.” DUMBASS PASSWORD Howard asked Bigfoot what he'd do to Angelique, and he responded quickly: “Prolly eat her out and lick her tits. I don't know prolly stick my dick in a few times. You know, do her every which way.” Howard then explained the Password game and gave the first word “nun” which Angelique didn’t even know how to describe, so Howard gave her a new one, “clitoris.” Angelique's clues, followed by the guesses they prompted from Bigfoot: Orgasm. “F’ing you?” Female. “I don't f’ng know.” Sex. “Coming on herself? Having an orgasm to herself?” Angelique's next word, “vagina,” didn't go much better: Pussy. “Juice.” Female. “I don't know.” Orgasm. “F’ing on her tits?” Bigfoot tried his hand at “astronaut,” with Angelique guessing in vain: Space. “Sky.” Stars. “Galaxy.” Moon. “Sky.” The pair then struggled with the word “monster” for several rounds in a row, first with Bigfoot's horrible guesses: Halloween. “Prick or preet.” Scary. “Herman Munster.” Ugly. “Sasquatch?” After the two switched roles, Angelique guessed “monster” and Howard presented the pair with $2,500 to split between Howardstern.com

Richard Christy And Sal The Stockbroker Make Out on CNN

Seeing Sal & Richard On Cnn Is to funny !!

Chevy Chase Talks w/ Howard Stern

CHEVY CHASE IN STUDIO BEWARE THE LANDSHARK Chevy Chase made stopped by for his very first visit to the show to promote his charity, and Howard asked how Chevy got started in show business. Chevy said he started out writing in college and moved on to Channel One and then Mad magazine, Alan King, and, later, Saturday Night Live. Howard wondered why Chevy left Saturday Night Live, and Chevy explained that he let the first season's success go to his head and ruined his relationships with the cast members. Howard asked what Chevy’s favorite SNL skit was and he answered, “Landshark.” After a while, Chevy introduced himself to Artie, which cracked everyone up – Chevy clearly hadn't remembered Artie from the week they'd spent working together on "Dirty Work." Artie had to remind Chevy about the time they worked together, and Chevy lamented that the best scene in the script never made it to the screen. Artie agreed, describing the prank – a giftbox of defiled doughnuts with a picture of them being violated at the bottom: "Somewhere out there is a picture of me and Norm with doughnuts on our cocks." Howard asked Chevy how much he was paid to film “Caddy Shack,” so Chevy reported that he got $800,000 for a week's worth of work. Chevy said he was also offered “Animal House,” but he turned it down (“I'd already lived it.”) to work with Goldie Hawn. Howard marveled at how good Goldie looked at the time, and Chevy agreed, noting that he didn't manage to bed Goldie until after the movie was through with principal production howardstern.com

Danny Bonaduce Vs. Bob Levy Fight !

DANNY BONADUCE VS. BOB LEVY LEVY & BONADUCE FACE OFF The Reverend Bob Levy and Danny Bonaduce stopped by to promote their upcoming boxing match, and Howard told Bob that he should re-think the whole affair. Bob said Danny's lifelong training meant nothing: “This is all I need for Danny.” Danny stripped off his shirt to show Bob the shape he's in and explained how the two started feuding: “Bob comes in and slaps me [in front of the cameras at some event] and thinks he's gonna get famous.” Danny said he was taking a lot of steroids to prepare for the show: “I have no concern for my health.” Danny also bragged about his new girlfriend, a 26-year-old tenth-grade math teacher. Howard asked Danny how he planned to take Bob out, and Danny explained that he would take one of Bob's punches. If it hurts, he'll take Bob out early. If it doesn't, he'll torture Bob for all three rounds. Howard pleaded with the guys to call off the fight, but both refused.

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Mad Dog Comes To Sirius !

"MAD DOG" PROMOTES HIS NEW SHOW MAD DOG ARRIVES AT SIRIUS Chris “Mad Dog” Russo stopped by to promote Mad Dog Radio, his new SiriusXM channel, and told the crew that he got his freakishly tan skin from playing with his four kids on the beach at his house down the shore. Howard asked how Chris became a San Francisco Giants fan instead of a Yankee fan, so Chris explained that he grew up during the early 70s when the Yankees weren’t that good and got sick of his father, a life-long Yankee fan, constantly going on about Joe DiMaggio and Mickey Mantle. Howard wondered if Chris' father wanted him to take over the family's jewelry business, and Chris said he did, but his old man eventually came around and supported his son's decision to do radio. Howard asked Chris if he would be pleased by his former co-host's failure, but Chris resisted: “Can I say he'd be equal?...That's not gonna make me happy.” Howard then told Chris he was going to love working at Sirius. SAY IT AIN’T SO MAD DOGHoward asked if Chris ever gambled on sports, and Chris said he could get “a little carried away with that. I like to make seasonal bets.” Chris said the issue was tricky: “If you're mad at a team for losing a game, the gambler thinks you lost money on it.” Chris then showed the crew how upset he can get when the Giants lose – including, at Howard's request, a very uncharacteristic f-word.

Howard stern Tlaks Rebecca Romijn !

REBECCA ROMIJN IS A KNOCKOUT Howard said Jerry should try pressuring Rebecca to let him attend the wedding, as she couldn't be cruel enough to punch him out again - and then played a clip from the Wrap-Up Show in which Jerry discussed the incident, in which a drunk and hysterical Rebecca punched him out for golfing when he said he was elsewhere. Jerry explained: “I would [defend myself], but I'm afraid of getting punched again. I'm kidding! I'm kidding, honey. She's listening in her car right now and punching the steering wheel.”

He"s Back !!

GEORGE TAKEI IS SITTING IN ALL WEEK Howard started off the show announcing that George Takei would be sitting in again all week. George happily said “Good morning” and congratulated the crew on the Sirius-XM merger. Howard asked George about his upcoming nuptials, and George replied that he was surprised at all the media attention, noting that he would be married on the 14th of December – and all it took to get a marriage license was a pair of birth certificates and $70. howardstern.com

Howard Sterns New wedding ring pic

Howard Stern Wedding Ring

Miss Howard TV - Shawn Carla

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Hulk Hogen Speaks !

THE HULKSTER COMES OUT SWINGING Hulk Hogan stopped by and immediately shot back at the claims Jesse Ventura made on the show earlier this week: “Ask him about Plato's Retreat and all the wife-swapping. Ask him about taking pills and pissing his pants.” Howard told Hulk that he could see how miserable he was at Bubba the Love Sponge's wedding, and Hulk admitted he knew he was having marriage issues even before the “Hogan Knows Best” reality show started shooting. Hulk told the crew that his daughter Brooke had been approached by Playboy, and while it doesn't jibe with his “redneck mentality,” he didn't think it was necessarily a bad idea: “[But] right now, it's not the right time.” Howard said he was getting married soon, so Hogan replied, “Brother, we have to talk.” Howard changed the subject instead and asked how Hulk felt about Linda's new 19-year-old boyfriend. Hulk said he was cool with it – but it's been real hard on the kids. THE HULK'S NEW LIFE Howard wanted to know what it was like to be single after 20 years of marriage, and Hulk said, “I was breathing all this dirty air...and was used to this mindset of being negative, as soon as I breathed clean air, I was like, 'Oh, man'...I'm happier now than when I was married.” Hulk added that he recently met a hot blonde in a health food store, and he could tell by her eyes that she was a healthy person. Two weeks later, he ran into her again, and they've been dating ever since.

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Stern on the Merger !

NO MERGER TALK TODAY Howard started off the show saying he wasn't going to comment on the merger until it was set in stone: “I'm not going to believe it until we're on XM.” Howard said he got an email from Mel at 3:30am on Saturday, but not a drunken one – Mel was hard at work. Artie laughed that Mel gets a high off of working like most guys do from drinking. Artie asked if the stock went up, and Howard reported that it had.

I will also believe when i here howard on my wife"s XM Radio !

Robin Dumped ???

NEWSFLASH: ROBIN & JIM ARE OFFICIALLY OVER Robin revealed that she and Jim broke up over the weekend: “I guess we wore out.” Howard didn't believe it, because Robin was so into Jim, leading Robin to explain that Jim broke up with her: “We hit a patch there a couple months ago and I guess we're not gonna get through it.” Howard asked if Robin was ever in love with Jim at any point, but Robin still refused to say: “I think very highly of Jim.” Robin continued, saying they had a talk and then some time to think and decided that the relationship was over: “It just happened yesterday.” Ralph called in to ask if Jim could be booked on the show for tomorrow morning, but Robin resisted: “I don't think that so much...Maybe in a year.” Shuli, Jim's close friend, came in to say he was happy to hear of the break-up, as he could now tell stories about Jim's farts without Robin getting angry. Greg asked how weird it was that Jim was probably listening right now, and Robin confessed that she hated the idea. Howard wondered if she regretted “giving herself” to Jim, and Robin admitted she did: “Yes. Not because of who he is as a person. But because of who he is on the show...He has too much information.”

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Pauly Shore visits Howard

MEET THE WEASLE’S FORMER ASSISTANT Sean's wife Laura came in to talk about their relationship, but after the gang discovered she used to be Pauly Shore's assistant, the subject changed abruptly. Laura said Pauly used to go to the Playboy Mansion all the time but would never bring women home. Sean joked: “Now, dudes...” Howard asked why Laura left the position, so she explained that she freaked out about the devastation Y2K would bring to the world and ran for the hills howardstern.com

New Howard Stern House in the Hamptons ??

It's a castle fit for a king (of all media). Now that construction on Howard Stern's palatial Southampton spread is moving along at a good clip, it may be time for his buddies to call dibs on his numerous guest rooms. According to plans filed with the town, the three-level custom-built oceanfront mansion measures just over 16,000 square feet, with eight bedrooms, 12 bathrooms, a great room, a media room (natch), an attached cabana, a bowling alley and a wine cellar with a tasting room. The satellite shock jock and his fiancee, Beth Ostrosky, will share a master bedroom of approximately 1,500 square feet with a private balcony, an office/study and his-and-hers baths with separate dressing rooms. The grounds will include a seaside pool, a spa and one big fan-stopping stone wall surrounding the house. Stern, who's paying a huge rent for a Norman Jaffe-designed home on nearby Meadow Lane until his palace is completed, paid an eye-popping $20 million for the vacant 4-acre property in May 2005, after selling his Amagansett home, which sat a little too close to the public beach. New York Post I say nothing wrong w/ this, good for howard ! Thats what dreams are made of , The American dream !!

Dark Night, Heath Ledger Oscar Winner ??

THE DARK KNIGHT” WOWS THE CREW Howard and Robin raved about “The Dark Knight” IMAX experience. Robin said the IMAX screen gave her motion sickness, and Howard agreed, saying it was a little disorienting at times. Artie asked it the movie was really a five-star affair, and both Howard and Robin said yes. Howard said the movie had the potential to make Heath Ledger the James Dean of his generation, and the only weak part was Maggie Gyllenhaal, as he didn’t feel she had the physical beauty to carry the part of Bruce Wayne’s love interest howardstern.com This movie is in theatre starting today Friday ( July 17 th ) !

Anal ring toss Game !

ANAL RING TOSS WILL LISA G TOSS FOR AN INVITE? Howard asked Lisa G if she would play Lord of the Anal Rings against Artie. The prize? An invitation to the Stern-Ostrosky wedding. But if she lost, she'd have to open up about the last guy she slept with. Lisa insisted that she should be invited anyway as a reporter for the Howard100 News, but Howard shot back that, by decree, Howard100 News’ reporters were now banned from the event. Lisa was hesitant: “I just don't feel that comfortable playing Anal Ring Toss...I think it would be fun, but I'll take a pass.” MEET A.J., MISS ANAL RINGS Howard welcomed A.J. Morgan, the Anal Ring Toss girl, to the studio and noted that she had been here before - with her old (real) boobs – to play Anal Ring Toss with the Iron Sheik. AJ told the crew that she's come to love having sex with a butt plug inserted, but before she porn star Chester the Molester, she'd never even considered anal sex. Howard wondered how AJ avoided “accidents” while filming an anal scene, so she explained that she'll go get a “professional anal douche,” an hour-long multi- douche process, also known as an enema. AJ further claimed she could lactate on demand, which Howard obviously wanted to see, so AJ promptly gave Sal's coffee a couple squirts. Steve the Host of the Intern Show came in to play against Artie, so Howard gave him his terms: a win will get him a wedding invitation, but if he loses, he'll have to take ten strong whiffs of Sal's recently evacuated ass. Steve refused the terms, so Howard turned to to Will and Jason: both also declined to accept. Richard then came in and surprised no one by accepting the terms - but only if his girlfriend could come along as his date to the wedding. Howard agreed and told AJ to “prepare the playing field,” adding that AJ would announce each successful toss with a queef. THE ONE TRUE LORD OF THE ANAL RINGS Artie made 3 out of 7 tosses, but Richard quickly trumped him, making his first four tosses in a row. Howard congratulated Richard on his win – and prize – but Richard promised to go through with his punishment anyway: “I know everyone's disappointed.” Sal then bent over and Richard burrowed in with his nose and began sniffing. Richard began gagging and yelling, “Sal's flexing that hemorrhoid. It's the most vile thing I've ever seen.” AJ went in for a whiff as well, and when she got close, Sal tried to fart but went a little too far.

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R.I.P. George Carlin ( One of the best ever )

R.I.P. GEORGE CARLIN Howard started off the show mourning the death of George Carlin. Howard said he had to be honest: they had recently turned George down for an appearance on the show. Howard played a message that George had recently left on the show's answering machine thanking them for saying nice things about an appearance he'd made on Bill Maher's show – and apologizing for regularly appearing on Imus. Howard said George was a classy guy.

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Sal"s loves pee videos!

Howard noted that Sal's favorite porn was “Dr. Piss,” which confused the crew, so Sal came in to describe his favorite scene: a guy pees into a Supersoaker watergun and then sprays a girl until it's empty. Sal added that he wasn't into humiliating women - he's just into women who like submitting to humiliation. Sal continued, describing the best part of his second favorite scene: “When the lady can't breathe. When its in her eyes and wants the cameras to stop...When she has to 'tap out' almost.” SAL'S PEE-POWERED “HEALTHY VENTING” (Thurs)Howard played a clip from “Dr. Piss,” one of Sal's favorite piss-mop films, and openly doubted whether the girl in the video was even good-looking. Sal came in to say the girl in the clip was “smoking hot. She looks like Sheila E.” Sal also insisted that most guys who've seen a piss video end up liking them: “I just happen to get off slightly [on them].” Sal called the clips (and the accompanying parody songs about beating his wife) “just healthy venting.”

Sal"s Failed Hip Hop Dream

MON: SAL'S RAP CAREER The gang listened to a few old tracks of Sal rapping back when he called himself “Cool the Candy Rapper.” Sal came in to explain how his “manager” and the engineer who recorded the tracks scammed a bunch of money out of him with inflated production costs and promises of record label interest. Sal said he went so far as to take out a loan (co-signed by his mother) to pay for his hip-hop dream, even springing for promotional 8x10 photosThe gang listened to a few old tracks of Sal rapping back when he called himself “Cool the Candy Rapper.” Sal came in to explain how his “manager” and the engineer who recorded the tracks scammed a bunch of money out of him with inflated production costs and promises of record label interest. Sal said he went so far as to take out a loan (co-signed by his mother) to pay for his hip-hop dream, even springing for promotional 8x10 photos.

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Alanis visits Howard

ALANIS ON HER EX, RYAN REYNOLDS Alanis Morissette stopped by and Howard told her that the guys in the back were all excited by the hot women in her entourage. Alanis confirmed the reports: “I can't help it, I'm a magnet for them.” Howard asked Alanis about her ex, Ryan Reynolds, and Alanis diverted, noting that her music comes from one of two possible sources: love/joy or pain/anger. Howard also wondered what Alanis thought of Ryan's new girlfriend, Scarlett Johansson - or her music - but Alanis refused to comment. Howard noted that Alanis went to therapy five days a week after her breakup with Ryan, but Alanis insisted “It's not always about the guy, dude. It's about me...It takes two to tango.” Alanis went on to say she only waited “a couple months” after her breakup before having sex again. Howard asked Alanis' guitarist, David, why he didn't intervene in her relationship with “that asshole,” so David explained that he just decided to be nice and wait it out.

Reverend Bob Levy speaks his crazy mind !

THE IRREVERENT REVEREND Howard noted that Gary recently turned down the Reverend Bob Levy for an appearance on the show, as they like to space out frequent guests’ appearances, but Bob was so angered, he used his time on last night's “Miserable Men (Ferrall Fill-in) Show” to complain loudly about it. Howard backed up Gary's decision, saying the show does nothing but plug Bob's projects. Artie and Gary agreed that Bob already had more access to the show than any other comic. Tim Sabean came in to say Bob's rant was pre-meditated, and when Tim told him to re-think it, Bob ignored him. Howard then mandated that “everything” be taken away from Bob: all the Fred-read plugs at the end of the show, “The Miserable Men Show” and the roast-hosting gig. Artie asked Howard to reconsider banning Bob, but Howard refused: “No. When you say 'F’ Gary,' you're saying 'F’ Howard.' Gary's my guy.” LEVY GROVELS HIS WAY BACK IN Bob finally called in to defend himself and sounded a lot more subdued than he did on last night's show. Bob started digging himself deeper, citing specific deals he'd made with the show, and Artie tried to stop him: “You don't have to leave it like this, Bob.” Howard said, “I'm too nice a guy...I give him huge access...no one really respects me.” Bob then apologized to Gary: “I was angry at the time. If you feel like I said something wrong I apologize.”

Hot

HOT FOR POTTER Penthouse Pets, Justine Joli and Alexis Love stopped by to plug their Websites. Justine said she'd been dancing burlesque at The Box, a downtown nightclub, and the results have been a chiseled body. Howard told Justine he loved her new body and then turned his attention to Alexis, a 20-year-old porn star. Before Howard could get too far, Justine took issue with Artie for not going out with her business partner, Leah, despite Leah making it very clear that she was interested in him, so Artie explained that he didn't have time to meet up with her when he was last in LA. Justine complained that some of the girls she tries to hook up with “chicken out” on her (“Real lesbians are easier to go home with”) and the neck-breaking positions her trainer puts her in when he bangs her. Howard was so excited by the stories, he decided to ask Justine some questions about her favorite subject, Harry Potter – with the punishment for an incorrect answer being a swift spank from Artie: What color are Harry Potter's eyes? Justine knew they're green. Who wrote the Hogwarts textbook “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them”? Newt Scamander – correct. How many children are in Ron Weasley's family? Seven – correct. “YOU'LL LOVE ME. I'M VERY AVERAGE.” Artie was bored by the nerdy quiz (“Enough!”) and Howard wasn't getting anywhere with it, so he asked Justine and Alexis to strip. Both jumped at the chance. After the crew got done ogling, Howard wondered how long Alexis has been in porn. Alexis said she'd been in 110 films in the two years since turning 18, but she won't do black guys: “They have big penises...I'm average. I'm not big on big.” Howard was happy to hear it: “You'll love me. I'm very average.” Howard noted that the girls were rubbing each other as they talked, so Justine confessed that they had already planned to hook up after the show. As she was describing what she would do to Alexis, the two began making out. Artie thought Alexis' teeth and lips were very Baba Booey-ish, so Alexis explained that she was wearing Invisaline braces, which made her teeth and lips appear larger and added: “Are you just bitter because you got dumped?” THE SEXED-UP HARRY POTTER GAME CONTINUES Howard got back to the “nerdy” questions: Who was the Grand Sorcerer? Justine incorrectly answered “Lord Voldemort,” so Artie came around the console to spank her. Justine told Artie that she'd remove his balls if he gave her a bruise, so he spanked her a few times (until she stopped saying “harder”) to gauge her pain tolerance. Who was the captain of Gryffindor's Quidditch team? Justine took issue with the question: “For years 5 and 6 it was Harry, but for the first three it was Oliver Wood.” Freaked out by Justine's knowledge, Howard threw the question away and tried the final question, noting that an incorrect answer would get Artie a free feel session. In “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone,” what does Harry give Hagrid for Christmas? Justine couldn't remember the correct answer – a wooden flute – so Artie got to cop his feel. Justine hated it: “I'm so skeeved out right now!”

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