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Saturday, September 11, 2010
THE RUSSIAN SPEED DATING GAME!
OKSANA THE RUSSIAN MATCHMAKER
Howard welcomed Oksana Kehoe, a Russian matchmaker/"translation interpreter," to the studio and asked if she was successful finding her own matches. Oksana said she dated a younger man--much younger: "He's a student." Howard asked if Oksana considered herself a cougar, and she shrugged: "I think so." Oksana said she charged American men 80 bucks a week to match them with young Russian women--the fee even covers a translator if the girl doesn't speak English: "Over 25, we feel like we're old...Russian girls, they're looking for [a] soul-partner."
Howard thanked Oksana for bringing Maryia and Julia for today's Russian Speed-Dating Game and began planning the day's event--an experiment designed to test the staff's ability to woo women with a 'level playing field.' To this end, Gary was assigned the role of 'Howard Stern' and the task of introducing Howard as 'Scott D' to the "fresh off the boat" Russian girls. 'Scott D' and the rest of the staff will then participate in 90 second speed-dates with each girl--at the end of each round, the girls must pick the man they'd most like to see again.
THE RUSSIAN SPEED-DATING GAME ROUND 1
Gary-as-'Howard Stern' then introduced the first girl, Maryia, who said she hadn't been in the US very long: "I'm here for two month." To make ends meet, she's been working as a hostess in a Manhattan restaurant: "I like it so much. It's really interesting."
Benjy, her first speed-date, spoke to her in a really low--almost inaudible--tone: "You know why you're here today?" Toward the end of his 90 seconds, Benjy tried out some Russian phrases he had written down, but Maryia seemed confused: "That's Russian?"
THE BLACK CLOUD ENJOYS LIFE
A suit-clad Scott 'The Engineer' was the second speed-dater: "Good morning. How ya doin? So, uh, what brings you here today?" Scott's game was lacking: "Have you seen the sights around our great city?" And his questions focused on alcohol and clubbing: "You like to drink? Dance? I love vodka. It's really great. It goes down really smooth."
Hilariously, Scott tried to paint his interests in a 'good-time' light: "Music. I like to dance. I like to party. Have a good time. That's what it's all about. Enjoy[ing] life."
JD WANTS TO KNOW: DOES SHE LIKE IT?
JD was Maryia's third date: "How long have you been in the United States? How do you like it so far? You like it?" JD continued to repeat himself ("What do you look for in a guy? What do you like in a guy?"), but Maryia played along, saying she liked to be treated with respect. JD misunderstood: "Affectionate or whatever? You want gifts?" Maryia laughed: "Yes. Like every girl."
HOWARD STERN IS 'SCOTT D'
Maryia's fourth date, Howard-as-'Scott D’ kept it casual: "Good to see you. Your name is Maryia? When did you come to America?" 'Scott D' commended Maryia on her initiative: "I would think it would be really overwhelming to come to America and not be able to speak the language...you came right over and found a job. I think that's amazing...I could never go to Russia and all of a sudden get a job and start a whole new life." Before his time was up, 'Scott D' was sure to leave things open romantically: "By the way, I think you're beautiful."
RONNIE TAKES CHARGE
Ronnie the Limo Driver was Maryia's final speed-date. Ronnie's game was aggressive--he moved his chair closer to Maryia and grabbed her hand: "You're very pretty. How long you been in the United States?" But his game had little substance: "What do you like to do? You like to hang out?" As time was running out, Ronnie asked some loaded questions: "You mind going out with older guys? You like fast cars?"
BENJY WINS ROUND 1
Asked who she'd most like to see again, Maryia chose Benjy: "He was so nice. So smiley and attractive." Her second choice was Howard: "Scott D. He's extraordinary." 3rd place was a surprise: "Maybe Scott [Salem]." 4th went to JD and last place to Ronnie. Howard was furious: "I don't even want to play in the next round. I lost to Benjy!"
THE RUSSIAN SPEED-DATING GAME ROUND 2
Gary-as-'Howard Stern' then began introducing Julia, another "fresh off the boat" Russian girl, to her suitors--starting with Sal: "I baked you a cupcake because I wanted to give you a sweet little treat." Julia wasn't impressed: "It looks kind of old." Sal replied: "I got this at a bakery, actually. You ever been to Bukkake Bakery? It's a great bakery. You'd love bukkake."
Julia was equally combative with Howard-as-'Scott D' when he presented her with a single rose: "Just one flower?" Undaunted, 'Scott D' pulled out all the stops, first telling Julia that the other 'bachelors' smelled ("The other two guys waiting to meet you? They smell funny.") and then asking if her current boyfriend treated her well.
THE PRETTY BOYS STRIKE OUT
Julia asked Will, her third speed-date, about his un-businesslike beard, so Will shrugged: "I'm a weird mix. I'm not really a businessman." Will made up ground asking after Julia's job as a baseball scout in the Dominican Republic but didn't give any compliments until after his time was up: "You're the whole package." Gary-as-'Howard Stern' called foul: "No hitting after the bell!"
Julia was equally unimpressed with Jared, the final speed-dater: "He try to be sexy, huh?" Jared's game was tight, however--he quickly got her talking about her work in Santo Domingo and scuba diving. By the end of the date, he seemed to have changed her mind--she addressed him differently than the others: "It was nice to meet you."
‘SCOTT D’ WINS ROUND 2
Asked who she'd most like to see again, Julia waffled, eventually sizing herself up with 'Scott D': "I like tall guys." Second place went to Sal, third to Jared and fourth to Will. Howard was elated: "I am so happy. I want to thank this gorgeous woman." Julia said it was all in the eye contact: "I can see really who likes to go out with me."
1972 High School Yearbook Featuring Howard Stern's Graduation Picture
Howard praised the test's results: "Robin, I feel beautiful." Jared said Howard and Sal's gifts had tipped the balance: "She wants stuff! She wants to be showered with gifts." Howard bristled: "Don't talk about her like that!" Will agreed with Jared ("This is bullshit!") but Howard thought Will's problem was clear: "You have a horrible personality. howardstern.com
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