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If you had to pick one Wack-packer to leave the show who would you choose ?

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Hillbilly Jack is the new Wack Packer ...


Bigfoot came down from “Amont” to judge this year's Next Top Wack Packer contest, as he'd won last year’s, and told the crew his pink pants were part of a suit--and not "ajamas." Bigfoot went on to complain that trouble follows him wherever he goes: he was recently maced after refusing to give a cigarette to some teenager and got a seatbelt ticket on the way to the show. Bigfoot claimed he couldn't figure out why he got hassled so much.
Bigfoot also had a problem understanding why the state was always trying to institutionalize him, speculating that it was over his "gas problems"--he burps, coughs, sneezes and farts a lot--or the state of Vermont's desire to control his money. Bigfoot later explained that he accumulated said assets by selling cigarettes for 35 - 50 cents a pop: "It depends how much I hate them."


The first Next Top Wack Packer, Hillbilly Jack, told the crew he was 50 years old and lived with his mom in Pennsylvania. After learning Jack kept his teeth in jar, Howard asked if Jack knew he looked like Granny from 'The Beverly Hillbillies.' Jack nodded: "My mom looks like her too." Jack said he'd studied botany at Pitt, but has since become a drinker and drug user--he grows the pot he smokes. Howard was excited by Jack's resume: "You have the laugh, you have the attitude, you grow weed. You’re a--you're a mess! You graduated from the University of Pittsburgh and you can't even add eight plus seven."
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The second contestant, Freddy, said he was a 53 years old karaoke lover and the "mascot" for a few bands in his hometown. Freddy sang a little and told the crew about his traumatic car accident, but his prostate issues, his promise to put the Next Top Wack Packer prize money in the bank--and the fact that he has a wife at home--left Fred feeling Freddy was "Way too normal for this bunch." 
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The third contestant, Greg, was a wheelchair-bound man from Pennsylvania who spoke with a deep slow whisper. Under questioning, Greg said he loved to grab women's breasts. Bigfoot was impressed: "I think he'd make a great wack packer." Later, Greg began contorting his body and challenging Howard to bizarre tests--Howard was freaked out: "Greg. Get in your chair. Are you shitting? I'm not taking the challenge."


The fourth contestant, Robert, was a cross-dresser who hoped to use today's prize money to pay for a sex change operation: "I used to dress up in women's dresses and my mom said I was a lot prettier than my mom wanted me to be a girl and I just want to follow my mom's wishes." Robert also reported that he was legally retarded and on both SSI and SSA support checks from the government.
Robert said he was into women, but never had sex with them: "I've had girls all day and all night." Robert admitted that he only used his penis for pleasure in private. Howard asked: "Would you say you're confused sexually?" Robert nodded: "A little bit." While Robert denied ever having sex with a real woman, he did confess to trying to f’ a blow up doll: "One time. My father bought two of ‘em. She blew up in my bed...I took the pump and pumped her up too far and she blew up." 


Bigfoot registered his vote for Greg: "He talks real slow. It's funny. I like that." Robin voted for Robert and Gary for Hillbilly Jack: "He makes me laugh." Fred registered a second vote for Greg, saying Greg should be asked to do the weather every day. Ronnie the Limo Driver agreed: "I thought it was gonna be Jack, but I'd much rather have Greg." But Jack took the $5,000 prize by sweeping the rest of the votes: Howard ("Without a doubt."), Will ("Jack is the man.") and Jason: "His laugh is infectious." Gary later promised Greg a future as well: "It's almost like 'American Idol.' We're still going to use Greg on the show.
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