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Saturday, March 10, 2012

Howard Cleans up w/ Matt Paxton


Hazardous waste removal expert Matt Paxton called in to promote the season finale of “Hoarders”: “I’m the guy who cleans up all the dead cats and poop.” How much poop? Up to 45,000 pounds in one house: “Usually it starts in the bathroom. The toilet gets full, then the bathtub gets full, then the hallway gets full, then the living room gets full...the plumbing has been gone for years by the time I get there.”

Ronnie the Limo Driver said he’d dealt with Matt’s kind when cleaning out his late mother’s apartment: “You know those junk trucks that come? You hire them to come. Three trucks.” Ronnie said he also cleaned out his mom’s place when she was still alive, but she’d freaked when she got home. Matt replied that she was no exception--the cleaning process is hard on his clients: “It’s hell for them.”

Matt said he often finds money: he once found $13,000 in change in a woman’s Oakland apartment. It was all inside an 8-foot rat’s nest, apparently bills are the only paper rats won’t shred. Another time, he came across $45,000 in US Savings Bonds--bonds his client thought were trash: “She didn’t know what she had. We had to explain to her the difference between maturity and expiration...and this lady thought she had nothing.”

Matt said he staffed his business with former addicts, like himself, and parolees, as they seem to understand the clients: “You gotta have someone who’s been knocked down--who gets the mental state. And so, for me, I prefer ex-cons or recovering addicts.” The crew makes $15,000 a job and thoroughly enjoys their work: “We’re all recovering addicts, so we need something nasty to get us off...when you hit rock bottom yourself, you kind of have to laugh to get out of it.”

Matt said he’s rarely contacted by the hoarders themselves (“Usually it’s someone who loves them.”), so he handles them with kid gloves: “They don’t want to be judged. They don’t want to be made fun of. And believe it or not, that stuff protects them.” They’ve often been sick for a long time: “You can’t be a good hoarder overnight. It takes 10, 15, 20 years.”

Asked about his worst client, Matt said he’d once been called by the family of a hospitalized man and went out to clean his estate: “The deeper we got, we started finding some Polaroids, some really aggressive stuff, and it was all child pornography.” Matt turned him in and the guy, when he recovered, was was sent to jail. But when he was released, he just filled his house with junk again--and called Matt: “And we had just sent the guy to jail for 3 years! I told him to f’ off.”


Howard said someone had dropped a horrible smelling deuce in the staff bathroom after Wednesday’s show--and asked that it stop: “The little bathroom should just be for peeing and washing up. Not shitting. … The little bathroom that we built is right here in the hall.” Robin said she’d suffered firsthand: “I’ve run into a bomb in there.” Gary came in with the key-card logs: “It was either Jason or Scott the Engineer.”

Gary read that he’d entered the bathroom at 11:32 and Benjy at 11:30: “I came in a minute and 40 seconds after Benjy.” Both caught the stench. Before Benjy, the only suspects were Jason 11:27 and Scott the Engineer at 11:19: “So that would’ve given him 8 minutes to shit. My bet would be him.”

Jason couldn’t remember if he was guilty--but doubted he could do the deed in less than 3 minutes: “I’ve shit in the bathroom before. I have zero idea. I shit in there all the time!”
Scott also denied all charges: “I’m not gonna swear on my son’s life but I’ll swear on my life.” Howard reserved his doubts, so Scott promised to never be under suspicion again: “I will not shit, on a show day, in that bathroom.”


Aaron Smith called in to promote his book, “The Secrets of the Craigslist Conqueror,” saying it detailed his success at picking up girls on Craigslist. Aaron explained that he had never really been a ladies man: “Never been called that in my life. I’m fat, I’m bald. I actually look like JD.” He had difficulty getting laid in college--and well after--until he began experimenting with Craigslist personal ads: “I found the wilder I went, the better I did.”

Asked to explain, Aaron said he trolled the site with ads appealing to very specific scenarios: “One of them is called ‘You Dirty Worthless Whore.’ ... The key to everything I found was wrapping a woman in her fantasy from the very first word [and] talking to her directly, as if she’s right in front of me.” His formula has netted him 120 women in 18 months: “I was offering to be a dom for a woman who wanted to be a sub. I had ads--a lot of ads were for a lot of role-playing. Daddy for daughter, teacher for bad student...”

Aaron said it was important to calmly and firmly break with the fantasy if a girl needs reassurance. More so, it’s imperative that any pictures you send are recent and/or representative: “When she shows up at your door, you have to look like the guy in the picture.” And third: some ads aren’t too good to be true--the hottest girl he’d ever banged posted an ad titled College Girl Wants To Lose Her Anal Virginity: “How could I not respond to that? ... We had dorm sex. It was the best thing ever. She was, without question, a ten.”

Howard wondered if JD could benefit from Aaron’s tutelage, so JD came in to insist he was a lost cause: “I’ve actually tried this before. Before I started working here.” Benjy said Aaron’s methods were solid--they’d worked for him: “You can get laid at any moment--any day--you want by a really hot’s all niche marketing.” JD didn’t care: “I just want to be left alone.”
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