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Sunday, January 22, 2012

Howard's Hottest Chick Oldest Fart Contest

HOTTEST CHICK - OLDEST FART CONTEST

MEET THE HOTTEST CHICK, OLDEST FART CONTESTANTS
Howard kicked off the Hottest Chick, Oldest Fart contest by welcoming Jimmy, 45, and his wife Erica, 26. Jimmy said he’d been married once before--and might not be able to give Erica children: “I had an accident on a motorcycle...not the penis. Just the vas deferens.” Howard laughed that he was jealous: “Wow. I should start riding a motorcycle.”

Erica said Jimmy wasn’t her first sugar daddy: “I’ve always dated older guys [but] he’s actually the oldest.” Not that Jimmy seems to know it--he still bangs her 4 to 5 times a week. And that’s after almost 5 years of marriage. Ronnie the Limo Driver, in studio to judge the contest, thought Jimmy had done well for himself--when asked for Erica’s “definition”, he quipped: “Smokin’ hot.”

HE’S ALMOST TWICE HER AGE--AND WEIGHT
The next pair, Jim, 54, and Araceli, 37, shocked the crew, but not with their marked age difference. Jim said his massive belly was definitely an issue: “I lay on my back a lot.” But Araceli claimed that Jim’s size didn’t slow him down: “We do it like 3 times a week, but if he’s rested, we can do 3 a day.” Jim said he also keeps her happy in kitchen: “I know how to cook. First thing you got to do is feed ‘em. Then you f’ them.”

HE RETIRED BEFORE SHE GRADUATED
The final couple, Gary, 69, and Danielle, 26, had the biggest age difference by far. Danielle said Gary’s so old, she’s rarely accused of having daddy issues: “They think he’s my grandfather. He’s older than my dad.” Gary, an aging widower, met her at a golf course where they both worked: “He was just a nice guy and a gentleman and encouraged me to go back to school.”

A nice guy and a gentleman, sure, but a nice guy and a gentleman with a keen eye: “I was a stripper for about two years and then I took some time off to get a boob job and then I was working at the golf club.” Gary said he rarely needed help to keep up with Danielle, but when he does, he just pops a pill: “Viagra is your friend.” Howard saw a clear victory: “It is so drastic. It’s not even a compliment. It’s crazy what’s going on.”

GARY & DANIELLE: HOTTEST CHICK, OLDEST FART
Howard ruled out Jimmy and Erica: “They don’t look like such a mismatch...Jimmy’s in pretty good shape, so he looks younger. They look plausible.” Robin agreed that only Jim and Araceli contended with Gary and Danielle: “Even though there’s just a 17-year difference, it looks greater.” So Howard crowned Gary and Danielle the victors: “Gary sounds like he’s half in the grave and he looks it.” Only Ronnie disagreed: “I’m going with number two. Gary looks too happy.”

JD TALKS PORN & ROBIN APOLOGIZES TO MEN

ROBIN’S PROMISE TO MEN
Robin then asked to have the floor: “I have something to report. I have something to say to all of you, as a matter of fact.” Howard laughed nervously: “Uh oh. It’s usually not good when you get that lecturing [tone].” Robin knew what he meant: “That is indicative of why I have something to say to you. You immediately think you’re in trouble.” To that end, Robin explained how she has taken a vow: “I took an oath this weekend that I would never emasculate any man ever again...I want you to keep me honest.”

Robin said she’d spent the weekend in Boston at Allison Armstong’s “Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women” workshop: “What I learned this weekend was that I’ve been emasculating men--especially the men I love. All of you!--most of my life. Probably all of my life. [I’m] probably like the expert of emasculating men. And I want to apologize to all of you. I’m treating you as if you need to be controlled.” Howard hoped for the best: “I’m not getting involved in this latest thing because it will only backfire.”

AN UPDATE FROM DABADASS
Howard continued around, asking each of the crew for personal updates, eventually settling on JD. A caller asked if his video chat avatar was still “Dabadass”, but JD claimed he’d dropped it, revealing that his real nickname was even worse: “My nickname in high school was Cheesy.”

Howard couldn’t believe it: “Looking at you, the last thing I would goof on was that you said something cheesy. I mean, there’s a million nicknames they could have given you. Cheesy? You got off easy.” JD tried to back out of the studio, but Howard pressed him for more. JD eventually buckled, confessing that he still pays girls to video chat with him--and suck on dildos--for $7 a minute. He cleans up with ill-fitting novelty t-shirts he pulls from the show’s “glom box.”

ROGER WATERS DISCUSSES PINK FLOYD

ROGER WATERS FROM THE BEGINNING
Roger Waters stopped by to promote his current tour, a re-staging of Pink Floyd’s “The Wall,” and look back at his long career. Howard had him start at the very beginning, so Roger cited losing his father as young boy as a formative experience: “Very young children are even more narcissistic than you or I am [now]. Something bad happens, you go, ‘I must’ve done that.’”

So it’s not by mistake that he sought out creative camaraderie--he doesn’t regret writing his biggest songs as a member of Pink Floyd: “Absolutely not. We were a cracking team when we were younger...from ‘68 to ‘Dark Side of the Moon,’ we were a tightly-knit group.” But after the release of “Dark Side of the Moon” in 1973, the band began to fall apart: “That was the first time we started making any cash.”

WHEN WATERS MET GILMOUR
Howard asked if Roger met David Gilmour in college, so Roger laughed: “Gilmour didn’t go to college! He was a van driver.” David had just been Roger’s roommate: “I started the band. If you can’t play [well], it’s the only way to do it.” The songwriting process was rarely collaborative--Roger brought “Money” to the band fully-written and ready to be recorded.

But Roger cited “Wish You Were Here” as a collaborative effort, saying he wrote the song around a short riff that David had played in studio. Short, sure, but not small: “The riff is a super-super important part of [that] song.” Roger said songwriting was never easy. While the first “Money” verse came fast, the rest were hard work: “That’s the trick. Adding shit to the end of it.”

HOW THE WALL WAS BORN
Asked why the band was less public than their peers in The Beatles and Rolling Stones, Roger denied that it was intentional: “They were completely different bands.” Roger acknowledged a need to retreat--a need that actually inspired “The Wall”: “This was actually a wall I was building around that younger self of mine. Because I wasn’t ready for that career.” The idea of building an actual, non-figurative wall on stage came from an aggressive audience member: “Because he was climbing up the f’ing front of the stage!”

NOT MUCH CHANCE OF A REUNION
Roger said it was difficult, after Pink Floyd had broken up, to see his former band play his songs live--especially to bigger crowds than he could draw on his own: “It was character forming...[but now] I think I was wrong to think they were wrong.” Still, the band will likely never reunite: “Of course not. Well, possibly Nick...I don’t think David’s interested in doing anything.” But the hatchet’s been buried: “It’s not acrimony that prevents us from getting together.” Roger added that both Nick and David joined him on stage during a performance of the “The Wall” in London last November - but that was probably the closest to a Pink Floyd reunion we will ever see.
by howardstern.com
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