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Saturday, December 19, 2009

Hottest Cougar Contest

KARRI, HOTTEST COUGAR CONTESTANT #1 Howard welcomed Karri, the first Hottest Cougar contestant, to the studio and noted she was a divorced 42-year-old promotional model and mother of three. Karri told the crew she often ended up dating younger men, even if it wasn't what she was looking for: "When you're my age, it's either a younger guy or a really old guy with a potbelly." Howard couldn't figure out why anyone would divorce Karri, and she explained her ex-husband had an insatiable fetish for Asian women. When Karri showed the crew her best asset – her ass, Howard immediately demanded seconds: "Lemme see that ass again! It's marvelous. My god." Karri noted that one of her son's friends had also noticed her body: "He said, 'Do you run a lot?' And I said yeah. So he was like, 'Cause you got great legs.' And he's 15!" Howard laughed: "You're a freak of nature...and I mean that in the nicest way." Howard then ran Karri through the 'personality'/quiz portion of the competition: Have you ever slept with a black guy? "No." Name three ways you can tell someone's Jewish. "First it's the nose...[and] of course it's the holidays, [so] whether or not they're celebrating Christmas...third would be how the date goes. Where they take you and how much they spend." If forced to exterminate any race of people, which would it be? "Asians!" (which she blamed on her ex-husband). BJ, HOTTEST COUGAR CONTESTANT #2 Howard then welcomed the second contestant, BJ, a 38-year-old bartender and mother of three – who denied that 'BJ' was a nickname: "I've been BJ since I was two." BJ said her husband entered her in the contest, as she doesn't consider herself a cougar: "It’s tough coming over to the cougar age." Appropriately, BJ went on to blow the 'personality' quiz: Describe your most embarrassing sexual experience. "Um..." What is your best talent? "I can chug a beer in like three seconds." What do you hate most about men? "Jealousy and, um, there's so many things about them. Wait – I don't mean that. I wait on them a lot." Do you secretly wish your husband's penis was bigger? "Well, sure." THERESA, HOTTEST COUGAR CONTESTANT #3 Theresa, the final contestant, laughed that she was much older than the others – she's 50 – and even had breasts that were fully grown: "They're fake. They're 20-years-old though." Theresa said she listened to the show every day and loved everything but Richard Christy's bathing habits: "He needs to practice better hygiene, I think." Theresa didn't bomb but also didn't ace the 'personality' quiz: If forced to exterminate any race of people, which would it be? "Maybe the Turks because they've always invaded everybody over the years." What invention has been most beneficial to your life? "Probably birth control." What relative would you sacrifice if it meant world peace? "My brother, he’s older than me." THE STAFF PICKS THE HOTTEST COUGAR Fred voted for Karri: "She's a divorcee and she's very aggressive." Gary agreed: "I like Karri the best...once the pants came off it was like a whole different thing." Robin dissented: "I was mesmerized by BJ's abs." Howard registered the deciding vote for Karri: "She's dating younger men so she really fits the definition of a cougar." Karri then celebrated her Hottest Cougar title: "Gosh! I feel so complimented." Howard was also blown away by Claudia, the founder of the Hottest Cougar contest sponsor, who came in to present Karri with the giant check.
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