WENDY THE RETARD NEEDS MONEY FOR THE HOLIDAYS
Wendy the Retard called in to wish everyone a happy holiday...and to ask for money. Robin and Howard asked what happened to the deal they made last time (the show gave Wendy some money under the condition she never call back to beg for more), so Wendy coughed that she wanted to renegotiate. Howard asked if Wendy was coughing/sick because she was overweight, and Wendy admitted that the theory was probably true, as she's up to 230lbs. Howard told Wendy that she should grow taller instead of fatter, but Wendy didn't think that was a possibility: "Because I came out a little retarded." Howard then promised Wendy $500 if she could answer a few questions correctly: What is math? Wendy: "Math is where you add, subtract, take away and divide." What is 8 plus 7? Wendy: "20." {Howard laughed that he'd give it to her anyway because she was within five.} What do you do if there's a fire in a movie theater? Wendy: "You should go to the fire exit." What's wrong with the Jews? Wendy: "They need to spend more time with Chinese people...[and] they don't have more common sense than other people." Why does everyone hate the Jews? Wendy: "Because people do not get along with them...because the Jews hate everybody and the Jews hate everyone that they don't like." How can you tell if a person is a Jew? Wendy: "They tap your shoulder when they introduce themselves to you." Are a Jew's horns 2, 3 or 5 inches tall? Wendy: "3 inches?" (When asked how she knew the answer, Wendy explained that she'd never seen a Jew's horns herself, she just knew the answer from a test she took before graduating high school.) Why would a white woman sleep with a black man? Wendy: "Because they love the black person." What do you get when you mate a black person with a horse? Wendy: "A donkey?" Why are black people scared of water? Wendy: "Because it's deep." What do you get when you mate a donkey with a Jew? Wendy: "A horse?" What do you get when you mate a Jew and a black person? Wendy: "A donkey?" Howard congratulated Wendy on answering all the questions correctly and awarded her $500. Wendy said she planned to use the money to buy her mom a deep fryer.
Howard started off the show with the Secret Santa gift exchange and presented Ken the Intern with a check to cover a major portion of his outstanding his student loans. Ted Summer from HowardTV then came in to give Howard his gift, but before he did he promised to be gracious no matter what it was. Gary then piped into ask if he really meant that and reported that the guys in the back office were betting that it would take about 30 seconds for him to start trashing his gift.
Ted then unveiled his gift: a 350lb black marble gravestone. Howard was shocked: "Wow. Isn't that nice? I promised to be gracious. Thank you, Ted.”
After struggling to say nice things for a bit, Howard added, “I can't contain myself. Ted, that is the shittiest gift I've ever received in my entire life." Gary came in to say the creepiest part was the open date – the headstone was engraved with a portion that read "1954 – ____," along with a picture of Howard and the Howard Fist logo. Ted added that he had struck a deal with the monument company to fill in the final part when the time comes...and handed Howard the guys card.
Howard agreed that the gift was a bummer: "Way to suck up to your boss." Ted laughed that it could be used as a [350lbs.] doorstopper, and Doug Goodstein from HowardTV came in to suggest that they smash it with a sledgehammer. Howard didn't like the ideas anymore than the gift: "It's creepy."
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ASS NAPKIN ED MOVES IN
Ass Napkin Ed called in to say he was trying to sell his ass napkins on Ebay, but the site's administrators keep taking his auctions down. Howard asked what else Ed was up to, so Ed said he'd actually been talking with Howard in his head: "[You told me] to go sit in the bathtub." Howard told Ed that he wasn't really in his head, but Ed didn't believe it. Ed then asked if he could park the camper he plans to buy in Artie’s beach-house driveway, but Artie said no.
Howard gave Ed the opportunity make a little cash by playing The Beetlejuice Game, promising him $500 if he could correctly guess which questions Beet would answer correctly:
Who is Saint Nick? Ed didn't think Beet would know the answer, but Beet had it down: "Saint Nick is f’ing Santa! Think I don't know that shit?"
What holiday do the Jews celebrate during Christmas? Ed correctly guessed that Beet would get it wrong: "Who gives an f’ about Jews?"
Name this tune [David Bowie and Bing Crosby's version of "Little Drummer Boy" plays]. Ed knew Beet had no chance, and true to form, Beet's answer was impossible to understand.
What is the drink served during Christmas made with egg and milk? Ed again predicted that Beet would mess up, but Beet was on point: "What? That's egg-nog, moron."
What is the name of the plant people kiss under during Christmas? Ed correctly guessed that Beet would blow it: "I know what that is. It's an f’ing reindeer kiss."
Howard welcomed Taya Parker, the Penthouse Pet of the Year for 2009, and porn star/Penthouse Pet of the Month Teagan Presley. Howard told Teagan she was too hot to be a porn star and asked Taya how she was discovered.
Taya said she started as an exotic dancer and eventually sent some pictures into Penthouse. Both girls said they were into anal sex, which led Howard to speculate that men would be happier with uninhibited girls like them. Teagan said he was right: "[They're] less likely to stray."
Teagan told the crew that she was really into rough sex, including slapping and hair-pulling - she doesn't even like foreplay. Howard asked if she could orgasm without any foreplay, and Teagan reported that she could: "I once set a record.
23 orgasms in one session...I was tired." Howard then turned to Taya and asked if she gave private dances, she said she used to, but now she just usually does burlesque-type performances.
JD ENJOYS A STRIPPER TRICK
Taya wanted to show the crew her special lapdance "trick," so JD came in and sat down while Taya did a handstand and arched her back so her crotch was in his face.
Howard didn't even know how to describe the stunt, so Teagan stepped in: "It's a back bend with her pussy in his face." JD was a fan of the trick: "She's a got a great ass. I loved it in my face." Taya then said she once danced for a guy and he had an "accident" in less than 15 seconds.
Howard asked if Taya had ever danced for any celebrities, so she listed Kid Rock, Pam Anderson and Harrison Ford. Taya said Kid and Pam were fun but when she and some friends danced for Harrison Ford, he was kind of mean to them. Howard wondered if the girls were popular in high school, but Teagan denied it, saying she moved around too much to have many friends.
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GARY AND ARTIE AIR THEIR DIFFERENCES
ARE ARTIE'S LIES GOOD FOR THE SHOW?
Artie opened the show speculating that his "lie-and-then-confess-later method" of dealing with the truth actually benefits the show. Howard thought the argument was hilarious, but Robin insisted that Artie's lies had flagged a deeper issue. Howard then played a clip of Brad Garrett during his last visit correctly guessing that Artie had stopped going to therapy and Artie lying in response: "I go Tuesdays and Thursdays...I will be there tomorrow."
Artie speculated that Gary's comments on the issue (on yesterday's Wrap-Up Show) were indicative of an underlying resentment. Gary came in to laugh that, not only was the theory not true, but he thought the opposite was more likely the case – Artie resented him. Gary added that he felt betrayed by Artie's dishonesty, but Artie argued that it was like he had slept with Gary's wife: "I'm too honest. That's the problem. You people shouldn't even know that I'm in therapy [in the first place]."
Artie did admit that he has lied in the past: "I've had girls that I told I've never been with whores." Gary said he thought Artie started to resent him after seeing one of his paychecks, but Artie laughed that off: "I can't even believe that's what you said. That's not even on my mind." Gary ignored Artie's protests, saying he still thought the incident was an issue: "You thought it was too much." Howard laughed: "I think it's too much."
Lisa G came in to say that Artie tried to show her Gary's paycheck at his birthday party, but Artie claimed he was just joking. Howard asked Lisa if she was still upset with Artie, and Lisa said she went through her file of Artie quotes yesterday: "We're not gonna have a good ending...I don't feel good about this." Artie told Lisa, "That's crazy. You're a nutto...I'm gonna bang you, but I'm worried. 'Cause you're crazy." Jason came in to confirm Lisa's story: "You had the check out and you were showing it around the party." Artie said, "I don't deny that I told people about getting the check [by mistake]. I had a couple drinks. But I didn’t even have it with me at the party, I was joking."
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MONDAY BACK FROM VACATION
HOWARD'S HAIR ISSUE
Howard started off the show saying his hair was changing in a way his hairdresser Toni calls "hormonal." Howard added that so far he's been blessed with good hair - but now the entire back of his head has lost its curl: "It's stick-straight hair. Toni has to take a curling iron to it." She has even suggested that Howard perm the affected area, but Howard refused, even balking at the idea of Beth doing it in private: "To quote [the Iron Sheik], that is gay, and faggot."
Howard claimed his hair issue extended to the nearly 5,000 photos taken at his wedding, which he and Beth have split into three categories: pictures to blow-up/frame (only 7), pictures to send people and pictures for the wedding album. Howard said the process was excruciating: "I don't like the way I'm aging. I don't like the way I look...when I look at myself in the mirror, I kind of look handsome. And then I look at these pictures and I don't look anything like that."
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LOOK WHO’S COMING...OUT OF THE CLOSET
High Pitch Mike came in to announce that he had a meltdown after he failed Ed Torian's lie-detector test last month. After Ed found his answer to the "Are you gay?" question to be deceptive, Mike listened to Brian McKnight's "Never Felt This Way" on repeat and realized he was never going to experience the kind of love Howard and Beth or his parents share: "The song made me realize how lonely I was and how empty my life has been...it's time for me to come out of the closet and admit...I am gay."
MIKE OUTS HIS SUPPORTERS
Mike said he came out to a few people before today's announcement, including his sister, Howard 100 News director Brad Driver and Artie, who was particularly warm and supportive. Mike noted that he also told his mother - even though she'd previously threatened to disown him if he was gay - and she surprised him: "There was anger and disappointment. I said I didn't choose to be this way. No one chooses to be treated like a second-class citizen...she said, 'I love you and I just want you to be happy...I want you to be happy in your life no matter what...I love you more than life itself.'"
WILL GAY MIKE = LOW-PITCH MIKE?
Howard told Mike he was very brave ("I'm very proud of you and happy for you.") and asked if Mike had ever been with any guys. Mike said he had: "My mom will listen to this...I don't want to get too explicit." Mike said he first knew he was gay in sixth grade and didn't act on his desires until college: "I haven't been dating actively." Howard asked if Mike felt different, and Mike said he just hoped his could help other people.
Mike then looked back over his previous segments on the show and admitted: "Going to a Michael Jackson concert, that's being a child of the 80s. Going to a Madonna concert, yeah, that's gay." Robin wanted to know Mike's type, so Mike explained that he wasn't into flamboyant gay guys. Howard then predicted that Mike's voice would eventually become lower, as high-pitched voices are usually the result of stress – and Mike has freed himself from its grasp. Mike welcomed the idea: "I hope you're right."
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