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Monday, March 31, 2008
MR. TRUMP, THE IRON SHEIK'S GOT A PROPOSAL The Iron Sheik stopped by to promote his upcoming gigs with the Killers of Comedy and told Robin that he was happy to hear she was dating Jim Florentine because he thought Jim was great guy. Howard and Robin asked the Sheik about Riley Martin, and the Sheik confessed that he didn't like that Riley traveled with a wheelchair-bound photographer. The Sheik also said he wasn't a big fan of Beetlejuice; “He treats some people good, some people bad. It's an insult [to be forced to room with him on the Killers of Comedy tour].” The Iron Sheik then made an announcement: he wants to arm-wrestle Donald Trump. If the Sheik wins, he gets $1 million and the opportunity to shave Trump's head. If Donald wins, the Sheik will hand over his Olympic gold medal and shave his mustache. When he was done “cutting his promo,” the Sheik asked for a beer; “It gives me energy.” After wrestling with his headphones, the Sheik said he'd next like to grapple with “that punk” Hulk Hogan and Bubba the Love Sponge.To bad Artie , did not show up to work today , it could have gotten pretty ugly if Artie was there stiring the pot !
Thursday, March 27, 2008
LIFEBEAT SEVERS TIES WITH ARTIE Artie noted that the LifeBeat charity has refused to accept any of Crumbs' donations (all profits from Crumbs' Artie Lange Cupcake were earmarked for LifeBeat). Gary explained: when Artie hurled a variety of anti-gay epithets at High Pitch Mike during their recent on-air argument, he deeply offended the communities that LifeBeat seeks to help. Artie claimed he wouldn’t apologize for what he said to Mike, but he was sorry that LifeBeat wouldn't accept the money. Robin laughed that she was once the victim of similar circumstances: she got kicked off the board of a child abuse prevention charity after they caught wind of Howard's “It's Just Wrong” games. Gary laughed that they were particularly upset with the “It's Just Wrong” episodes that featured family members. Artie then read some of the copy he's supposed to use in the anti-”fag” PSA that George Takei got him to commit to – and complained that he was going to have a hard time making it believable.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
BREAST MEN, PRESENT YOUR TITS Howard welcomed Shane, the first “Biggest Man Boobs” contestant, to the studio, and asked him how much he weighed. Shane said he was 6'2” 260lbs – and he's had the man boobs since as early as he could remember. Shane then disrobed, leading Artie to say, “I'm surprised you haven't killed anyone yet.” Howard speculated that Shane was at least a C cup and demanded that he try on a bikini top – eventually fitting him with size large. Robin said the “bra top” made him look like a female body builder. The second contestant, Geoffrey, came in and noted that he still had man boobs when he was “fit” in college, so it must be a genetic issue - even his father has man boobs. When Geoffrey took off his shirt, everyone agreed that his boobs were much smaller than Shane's. Robin estimated Geoff's boobs were an A cup, and Howard agreed, speculating that Geoff didn't stand much of a chance against the “hefty” competition. Howard laughed that he could see the man boobs of the third contestant, Gary, through his shirt. Gary said his motorcycle club (“Not gang. Club.”) knows about his problem (and appearance on today's show) and is very supportive. Gary added that he was also supported by his third wife. Gary then took off his shirt, and Howard was blown away; “Those are massive titties. You're a D [cup]!” Gary then tried to squeeze into a C-cup bra-top, but he kept falling out. A 40YR OLD VIRGIN WEIGHS IN Alex, the final contestant, came in and immediately noted he weighed over 300lbs and loved to eat ham, turkey and hot wings. Howard and Robin wondered if Alex was a virgin, so Alex claimed he'd only penetrated a vagina once – but not to completion. Excited to meet a real 40-year-old virgin, Howard quizzed Alex on his life. Under questioning, Alex admitted that he was a “slow adult” and even liked to play with his man boobs in the mirror while he pleasured himself. Robin even asked Alex to add 2 and 7, but Alex could not. Alex then took off his t-shirt, and Howard hit the floor with laughter; “We're gonna have to make this a two-part [HowardTV] special.” Undaunted, Alex tried to put on a bra-top and – like Gary before him – spilled over. Howard asked Alex why he had a “handler” in the green room, so Alex's handler came in to explain that Alex needed help taking care of himself and “tends to overeat...plus, he's a diabetic.” Howard then told Alex he needed to be on the show everyday.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
RETARD OR MIDGET? Howard presented the crew with a question: If someone put a gun to your head, would you rather be Gary the Retard or Eric the Midget? Robin said she'd be “Gary, because he's oblivious to his difficulties.” Artie quickly answered “Gary.” Fred said he'd rather be Eric, because the midget “at least had some intellect. Even Stephen Hawking can get a hot chick.” Howard claimed he was stumped; “Gary the Retard has no awareness of his afflictions. Eric the Midget is trapped in that body.” After some further thought, Howard went with Gary. I would go w/ Gary !
TRACY MORGAN LOVES DISCHARGE Tracy Morgan stopped by to promote his new film, “Superhero Movie,” which also features Pam Anderson, and again told the crew how he loves to make his woman gag with the “bulbous” head of his penis; “She can take it, man. She's a woman.” Artie then commented that Tracy could be Blackzilla. Interestingly, Tracy then began discussing how he recently reconnected with his mother after a long period of estrangement - but denied any correlation after Howard tried to connect the two subjects. Tracy said he'd “been buying pussy since high school” up in Harlem, where you could play with a beautiful woman's “doo-doo berry” for $50. Tracy added that he loves a woman's “discharge”; “That's that juicy-uicy. I'm a grown man!” Tracy also claimed he never used rubbers, was too “old-school” for the pull-out method, to kick his kids out of the “Then they're not my kids anymore. They're a threat.” Also Tracy Morgan every other word was a 4 letter word throuought the interview !