Artie in Rehab ?! Comes back to face the music on Wednesday ?

LET’S HOPE THE WHEAT GRASS WORKS The Howard Stern Show for January 5, 2009 THE ARTIE SAGA CONTINUES The first show of the new year started with Howard announcing that Artie was absent yet again: "Here's 'The Artie Saga' as best I know...I was contacted by some guy who wanted me to come do some intervention." Howard passed on the opportunity and was later informed that Artie had checked in to an "intensive rehab" (after a small intervention which, according to Gary, consisted of just Artie's sister Stacey and Colin Quinn). After hearing the news, Howard sent word that Artie should take as long as he needed to get better. BUT...LANGE LIES AGAIN Howard continued, saying he got a message from Artie over the weekend in which he claimed to have been sober for 12 days and was undergoing daily therapy. Artie also said he'd lost 20lbs thanks to a new diet (and wheat grass enemas) and "felt the best I ever had in my life." But when Howard told Gary about the message, Gary reported, "It’s all bullshit! He's on a boat in Miami with Ross [Zapin]." Gary explained that Artie was really at a fat camp: "I wouldn't call it a rehab, it's more of a detox." Howard laughed at the prospect of Artie taking a break from his fake rehab to spend a weekend partying with Ross in Miami. Gary came in to say that Artie had repeatedly moved up his return date - from the 17th to the 13th to the 7th - and after the final date change, Gary received a mass email from Caroline's promoting Artie's newly booked stand at Caroline's (starting this Thursday). Fred shook his head: "It's all bullshit. Artie does things half-assed." I'VE GOT THE AFTERNOON OFF FROM REHAB Later, Ross came in to say he was never with Artie on a boat, but they did nearly meet up in Miami: "I swear to you...we tried to hook up, but the timeframe didn't work out 'cause he only had afternoons off." Robin laughed that an intensive rehab facility wouldn't allow their clients to leave every afternoon: "It's a spa." HOWARD'S VACATION Howard said he went to Mexico for a week over the break and (as in the past) never left the resort - he spent most of the time reading Artie's book, "and it's a really, really good book...but man, he really needs help." Howard laughed that he needed the time away after his parent's stay at his NY home - keeping his parents entertained (including yet another futile attempt to teach his father how to use a Tivo) exhausted him

The absent Artie called in to defend himself late in the show: "First of all, I went through eight days of the biggest hell of my life...I'm calling it rehab because it's a place where people go to get off drugs." Artie explained that he'd relapsed before the break and had been dishonest: "You wouldn't lie about that?" Howard questioned the legitimacy of Artie's rehab, so Artie admitted, "It's not a lockdown...I'm in a hotel right now. It's a nice hotel in Miami...I'm still doing treatments at the place...I commute back and forth." Artie confessed that he'd endured three wheat grass colonics so far and had some bloodwork done: "I feel like a new person...I've been clean for two weeks, and when I come back to the show, I will totally submit [to a drug test]...I will submit to random drug tests. Just let me know when they're gonna be." Howard said a drug test won't be necessary: "You never even have to lie to me...I'll encourage you to get help anytime."

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