Artie is back !

THE FAMILY STAYS TOGETHER Howard kicked off the show by taking a bunch of calls from people who thought Artie was back, but Howard held off...leaving it up to Artie to announce: “Yes, I'm here.” Howard said it was a miracle, as Artie is not only present, but clean shaven and sober-looking. Artie added, “I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry. It was all my fault. This week, I've been overwhelmed by people calling me. I feel like part of a family...I f’ed up in a major way. I've been f’ing up my whole life.” Artie laughed that the outpouring of support was so great, even Jimmy Kimmel and David Spade called with offers for him to come stay at their homes. Artie then commented on the other question on everyone's mind: “Teddy's a good kid. He wasn't stealing any money from me. I don't want him to quit his job at Sirius.” THE MAD FAT MASS AFTERMATH Artie had more to clear up, though. Contrary to the NY Post's report that he ate at the Brooklyn Diner after Thursday's blow up, Artie drowned his sorrows in a plate of food at a diner near his place in Jersey. Artie recovered from his “emotional blackout” with a mozzarella omelet with sausage, rye toast with butter and jam, and two chocolate milks. Then he went to Starbucks to get a cookie. Howard asked where Artie stood with Teddy, so Artie told the crew that “I saw Teddy and made eye contact with him as we were getting on the plane [to Amsterdam]...it was too soon to start a conversation with him.” They didn't see each other at all while they were in Holland, but they've since reconciled: Teddy will now just work for Artie as a kind of road manager, and Artie is now looking for someone who has experience with the clerical and administrative tasks required of a professional assistant. “NOT NECESSARILY STONED, BUT BEAUTIFUL” Artie laughed that he really enjoyed Amsterdam alone. “I didn't do any of the H's that I love: heroin or hookers. I took a boat tour and we went to the red light district...These whores are in lockers with windows. This was a Wednesday afternoon [so] some of them were really old. I didn't partake in anything...but I smoked a joint. It was fantastic weed.” Artie compared his (legal) high to Jimi Hendrix's line in “Are You Experienced”: “Not necessarily stoned, but beautiful.” Artie also praised the pancakes he got from the “fat little old women” in Amsterdam: “After smoking weed like that and walking a little bit...god it was just fantastic. I was by myself. I had an enormous pancake. I was so happy. It was probably the best afternoon I've ever had. I then walked off the pancake and got back to my hotel. I fell asleep and woke up at 1am.” howardstern.com