BIGFOOT IS THE WACK PACK
REPRESENTATIVE
Bigfoot came down from
“Amont” to judge this year's Next Top Wack Packer contest, as he'd won
last year’s, and told the crew his pink pants were part of a suit--and
not "ajamas." Bigfoot went on to complain that trouble follows him
wherever he goes: he was recently maced after refusing to give a
cigarette to some teenager and got a seatbelt ticket on the way to the
show. Bigfoot claimed he couldn't figure out why he got hassled so much.
Bigfoot also had a
problem understanding why the state was always trying to
institutionalize him, speculating that it was over his "gas
problems"--he burps, coughs, sneezes and farts a lot--or the state of
Vermont's desire to control his money. Bigfoot later explained that he
accumulated said assets by selling cigarettes for 35 - 50 cents a pop:
"It depends how much I hate them."
NEXT TOP WACK PACKER CONTESTANT #1
The first Next Top Wack Packer, Hillbilly Jack, told the crew he was 50
years old and lived with his mom in Pennsylvania. After learning Jack
kept his teeth in jar, Howard asked if Jack knew he looked like Granny
from 'The Beverly Hillbillies.' Jack nodded: "My mom looks like her
too." Jack said he'd studied botany at Pitt, but has since become a
drinker and drug user--he grows the pot he smokes. Howard was excited by
Jack's resume: "You have the laugh, you have the attitude, you grow
weed. You’re a--you're a mess! You graduated from the University of
Pittsburgh and you can't even add eight plus seven."
CONTESTANT #2: FREDDY
The second contestant, Freddy, said he was a 53 years old karaoke lover
and the "mascot" for a few bands in his hometown. Freddy sang a little
and told the crew about his traumatic car accident, but his prostate
issues, his promise to put the Next Top Wack Packer prize money in the
bank--and the fact that he has a wife at home--left Fred feeling Freddy
was "Way too normal for this bunch."
CONTESTANT #3: GRAVEYARD GREG
The third contestant, Greg, was a wheelchair-bound man from Pennsylvania
who spoke with a deep slow whisper. Under questioning, Greg said he
loved to grab women's breasts. Bigfoot was impressed: "I think he'd make
a great wack packer." Later, Greg began contorting his body and
challenging Howard to bizarre tests--Howard was freaked out: "Greg. Get
in your chair. Are you shitting? I'm not taking the challenge."
CONTESTANT #4: ROBERT THE RETARD
CROSS DRESSER
The fourth contestant,
Robert, was a cross-dresser who hoped to use today's prize money to pay
for a sex change operation: "I used to dress up in women's dresses and
my mom said I was a lot prettier than my sisters...my mom wanted me to
be a girl and I just want to follow my mom's wishes." Robert also
reported that he was legally retarded and on both SSI and SSA support
checks from the government.
Robert said he was into women, but never had sex with them: "I've had
girls all day and all night." Robert admitted that he only used his
penis for pleasure in private. Howard asked: "Would you say you're
confused sexually?" Robert nodded: "A little bit." While Robert denied
ever having sex with a real woman, he did confess to trying to f’ a blow
up doll: "One time. My father bought two of ‘em. She blew up in my
bed...I took the pump and pumped her up too far and she blew up."
HE NEXT TOP WACK PACKER
Bigfoot registered his vote for Greg: "He talks real slow. It's funny. I
like that." Robin voted for Robert and Gary for Hillbilly Jack: "He
makes me laugh." Fred registered a second vote for Greg, saying Greg
should be asked to do the weather every day. Ronnie the Limo Driver
agreed: "I thought it was gonna be Jack, but I'd much rather have Greg."
But Jack took the $5,000 prize by sweeping the rest of the votes:
Howard ("Without a doubt."), Will ("Jack is the man.") and Jason: "His
laugh is infectious." Gary later promised Greg a future as well: "It's
almost like 'American Idol.' We're still going to use Greg on the show. howardstern.com
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