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Tuesday, July 28, 2009
MISS UNIVERSE MAKES SENSE Miss Universe 2008, Dayana Mendoza, stopped by to promote the upcoming Miss Universe 2009 pageant and complained how she only seems to get hit on by older men. Dayana added that she's been modeling since she was 15 years old but appreciated the pageant circuit more than the fashion world, as it involves more charity work. Howard asked Dayana about going to pageant school, so she explained: "They teach how to walk and answer questions. A little bit of everything." Dayana told the crew she was kidnapped at the age of 19: "It's something that happens in Venezuela if you're out after 8pm." Dayana didn't come from a wealthy family, so the kidnappers simply took the $5 in her pocket and dropped her off in the middle of the highway - and gave her $10 for a cab ride home, as it was a dangerous area. Howard loved it: "You actually cost the kidnappers $5!" WHAT WOULD MISS UNIVERSE DO? Kiss another girl? "I cannot say no...but I'm not into it. Maybe I could turn lesbian in a month." From Ham Hands Bill: drink "milk from the penis"? "I've never done that...do you have to swallow to say I love you?" Vote against gay marriage (like the former Miss California, Carrie Prejean)? "I have gay friends very close and I love to see them happy...you do with your life whatever you want...why not?" Dayana also revealed that she regularly moves her bowels three times a day and has been known to push out a floater the size of a Poland Spring bottle every once in a while
Thursday, July 16, 2009
GOODBYE DD’S, HELLO G’S Robin started off the show with a startling revelation about her breasts - she was sized by a professional recently and learned she was much larger than previously estimated: "I always thought I was a 36DD...she said, 'You're a G or an F.'" Howard wondered how Robin could have G-cups when she'd had breast reduction surgery, and Robin agreed: "Good lord knows. They must have been an X [before]." Ass Napkin Ed then called in to ask if Robin would send him some of her old bra’s. Robin said “No chance,” as she figured he’d either do some depraved act with them or sell them on Ebay – or both. HOWARD'S HIRING BETH'S REPLACEMENT Howard noted that Beth might be taking a job that requires her to be away for a month and he wasn't happy about it. Robin told Howard to calm down, but Howard ignored her, offering a job to any female listener who might want to come live with him - and take care of (all of) his needs: "I need someone to take care of me. I'm avoiding my thoughts." Howard later speculated that Mary McCormack might want the job as she was so good at playing his wife in “Private Parts.” VINNIE FAVALE HAS A DREAM Howard mentioned Paul McCartney's 7-song performance outside the Ed Sullivan Theater yesterday, so Gary came in to say he was disappointed, as he recently paid $1160 for four tickets to Paul's concert at Citi Field. CBS Vice President of Late Night Television (East Coast), Vinnie Favale, called in to apologize for not telling the crew in advance: "I couldn't tell anyone. If too many people came, it would've been shut down." Howard learned that Vinnie has poured a significant amount of his own money into a musical he'd written for Broadway and laughed that Vinnie must be delusional. Vinnie promised: "You'll see it on Broadway one day." Howard said Vinnie's wife (“Debbie, ohhh Debbie”) must be cursing to herself: "That f’ing fat motherf’er is spending our nest egg on this stupid idea." Vinnie said the project was born on his commute: "I do some of my best writing on the bus." Howard laughed: "So the bus is responsible." ROBIN'S NEW ASSISTANT Lisa G reported that Robin had a new assistant named Dennis. Howard explained that Dennis was actually 'Captain' Dennis - the guy usually charged with caring for Robin's yacht. Robin said she hoped Dennis would always be her captain - even if he doesn't work out as her assistant: "I told him he can never leave me as a captain no matter what happens here." Fred put the over/under of Dennis' tenure at November. Howard put $100 on the under and Artie put $100 on the over. The bet will be settled December 1st. TOM ARNOLD MIGHT BE A DISASTER Tom Arnold stopped by to promote his return to stand-up (he's at Caroline's in NYC all weekend long) and told the crew he was addicted to the free Klondike bars they had at Sirius. Tom noted that he recently spoke at the funeral for his late friend (and Stern show favorite) Ed McMahon: "I could never get him to badmouth anybody. Even Hitler." Howard asked if Tom was really thinking of getting married again, and Tom confirmed it: "It will be [marriage] number 4. I'll say this - I'm either a disaster or real good at it." Prompted by Howard, Tom recounted some stories of his life with Roseanne Barr: "She's crazy. That's what she is. She's out of her f’ing mind...when she talks about politics, she sounds mentally ill." Tom laughed that Roseanne was once so hopped up on anesthesia from a facelift that she tried to personally end the LA riots: "I said no to her a lot. That was my job." Tom also showed Howard the scar he got when Roseanne stabbed him, explaining that she was once contracted to lose weight, so he took away her candy bars. She responded by shanking him.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
MISS HOWARD STERN IS RECOVERING Howard played a voicemail from Miss Howard Stern who was recently injured in a car accident, but it was unintelligible. Andrea's sister, Brandi, called in to report that Andrea was recovering well: "She's ok. She's doing a lot better than expected." Howard explained that Andrea was on her way home late one night when she slammed her convertible into a telephone pole at 60mph and was ejected from the car, landing on her head - Andrea now has a steel plate in her skull. Brandi said Andrea didn't have all her memory back yet: "I think you can probably speak with her pretty soon. She's doing pretty good. She's home now." Howard asked if Andrea lost any intelligence, and Brandi laughed: "I don't know yet." Robin was shocked: "That's amazing. To be ejected from a car and survive like that? Sal inserted a microphone into his penis' pouch and slid it into the holder atop a microphone stand, reporting: "It feels good. It's the first time my penis has been in anything in years. It feels good to be in a canal of some sort." Richard then sang 'Old Macdonald' into Sal's penis until having to retreat after Sal tried to force his head closer: "Sal's the gay one for doing that." Richard agreed to sing another song but demanded that Sal stay still: "Every time he dances, his cock goes into my mouth a little bit." After the first line of 'Here Comes the Sun,' Will shoved Richard so his mouth smacked into Sal's cock and the studio exploded with laughter. Richard could be heard spitting on the studio floor as Artie enthused: "It was like a prison rape!" Richard tried to play it down: "It touched my top lip, actually. And my bottom lip...[Sal]'s the gay one. He keeps knocking his dick into my mouth." howardstern.com
Friday, July 10, 2009
TOMS RIVER — Bad boy radio personality Artie Lange was charged with driving under the influence of an intoxicant and with careless driving today after police responded to a minor traffic accident. triggerAd(1,PaginationPage,10); A police detective discovered Lange at the scene of a minor motor vehicle collision at Silver Bay and Brand avenues, reported at about 1:30 a.m., said Capt. Steve Henry. Lange, 41, scheduled to appear at the Ocean County Library here Saturday night, was charged with driving under the influence by Patrolman Brian Jarka based on an assessment done at the police station, Henry said. "There was no indication that he was under the influence of illicit drugs," Henry said. But he was under the influence according to the psychological and physical assessment, Henry said. A laboratory sample was taken to substantiate the assessment, Henry said. Detective John Bajcic was driving in the Silverton section when he came up to the minor accident and stopped to investigate. "Mr. Lange was 100 percent cooperative," Henry said. Patrolman Gary Flynn responded to the reported crash and Lange was taken to police headquarters. Lange is scheduled to appear at the main branch of the Ocean County Library 7 p.m. Saturday to discuss his New York Times best-seller, "Too Fat to Fish." A former star of the television show "MADtv," Lange also has appeared in the movies "Dirty Work," 'Elf," 'Old School" and "Beer League," which he also co-wrote and produced.
Fans of 'The Howard Stern Show' know all about Artie Lange's ongoing tales of his battle with substance abuse. It appears there's another chapter to the story. According to TMZ, Lange was arrested on suspicion of DUI Friday in New Jersey. Law enforcement sources told TMZ the comic was arrested in Toms River after he got in a car accident. Lange and the rest of the Stern crew have been on vacation for the past two weeks -- their typical July break -- but heading into the break, Lange appeared to be on a winning The comic had claimed to be off heroin for months and said he was having success with a sponsor who was following him around on the road. Lange had also begun to lose weight after flirting with nearly 300 lbs. on the scale. Lange's breakout success on the Stern show is due in great part to his candid storytelling, opening up to listeners about his ongoing struggle with addiction. He took many of his legendary tales of abuse and put them into his first book, 'Too Fat To Fish,' which became an instant New York Times best-seller. Lange has mentioned on the air several times that Dr. Drew Pinsky was jumping at the chance to get Lange onto VH1's 'Celebrity Rehab' show.