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Monday, March 30, 2009
OZZY & SHARON RELOADED Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne stopped by to promote their new TV show, "Osbournes Reloaded," and Howard said they both looked great, adding that Ozzy’s appearance was even more impressive given all the substances he’s put in his body over the years: "You're a walking advertisement for drug addiction." Ozzy said he was "pickled," and was no longer suffering from tremors - he quit taking the medication that caused them. Howard asked Sharon if she'd really had her stomach band removed, and Sharon confirmed the rumor, explaining that the band never curbed her food addiction: "It's ish-ish under control." Ozzy laughed that he almost didn't want "Osbournes Reloaded" to succeed, as it felt like a job: "I got into rock-and-roll to live the bohemian lifestyle and now I'm getting up at 5am!" Sharon said the sacrifice was worth the opportunity to do whatever they wanted on network television. Howard congratulated them on the gig anyway, noting that Fox seemed to be proud - the promos air almost constantly and "American Idol" will be their lead-in. LOSE THE SHAKES – GET AN ERECTION Sharon bragged that - in addition to ending his tremors - Ozzy being off prescription meds meant he didn't need to take Viagra anymore. Ozzy said he and Sharon had sex five times a week, but his penis was nowhere near Howard's 10" estimate: "F’ off. If I had 10", I wouldn't be sitting here right now." Howard also asked if Ozzy would ever mind doing "American Idol," and Ozzy denied it: "I wouldn't mind doing a couple of contestants." BEWARE SHARON’S SHIT LIST On his children and rehab, Ozzy said: "It's a family tradition...it's rampant now, drug addiction." On the infamous shit-filled revenge boxes, Sharon laughed: "I said, 'Well, eat this motherf’er'...you know what it is? I'm confrontational." After learning that Leno had blackballed the Osbournes for once appearing on “The Jimmy Kimmel Show,” Howard said: "He's garbage and he's a no talent nothing." Sharon agreed On suing Courtney Love for dragging Jack into the drug scene, Sharon said had to pass: "Because she's sick." howardstern.com
Friday, March 27, 2009
LOU BELLERA THE SUPER SYBIAN DIRECTOR LOU BELLERA RUBS IT Lou Bellera, Amy Fisher's husband and sex tape co-star, stopped by to add some of his signature dirty/creepy talk as some girls ride the Sybian, in a competition for the hottest Sybian ride. Howard asked Lou what Amy was up to now, so Lou told the crew she now made ends meet by "feature dancing" at strip clubs: "She has her own Website now." Lou then thanked Howard for turning his "Let me see your clit" quote into a famous catchphrase - and prepared to meet the girls. DON’T BE NERVOUS, DADDY’S HERE All the girls were a little nervous at first, so Lou had them all call him “Daddy,” which oddly enough seemed to make them feel a little better. The first girl was the most nervous but did seem to enjoy her time on the Sybian. The second contestant explained that she was a recovering heroin addict and had about 15 different tattoos. Her Sybian ride featured much more interaction between her and Lou than the first one did, including a lot of instructions to “spread this,” “rub that” and “suck on this.” The final contestant got a lot of compliments on her looks, while Lou turned up the “charm” with his own version of the “babysitter,” asking to see her credentials. Her Sybian ride was so intense, she nearly fell on the ground afterwards, fortunately her “daddy” was there to catch her. With all the Sybian rides completed, the hands down winner with the hottest, Lou Bellera-directed Sybian ride was contestant #2.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
ELEPHANT BOY'S GAY PHASE Fred the Elephant Boy came in so they could figure out what he'd have to do to meet professional wrestler Kurt Angle who was scheduled to be on later, and Howard laughed that he'd gained a lot of weight - and still wears that fannypack. Howard asked Elephant Boy if his devotion to wrestling stars was a symptom of his homosexuality, but Elephant Boy claimed he was now a straight man: "To me, it was a phase...that was years ago." Elephant Boy joked that even if he did go gay again, his prospects weren't pretty: "The most I could get is old, old guys." Howard asked if Fred had ever had anal sex during his gay phase, but Elephant Boy denied it - only to confess later: "Yeah. I did." While Elephant Boy was being honest, Howard presented him with an all-pro wrestler F-Marry-Kill scenario. Elephant Boy took his time ("I have to think about it.") and eventually chose to marry Mick Foley, F Kurt Angle and kill Hulk Hogan. Artie thought just thinking about it was too gay: "The right answer in Jersey is kill all three of them." HE REEKS IN A BIKINI Elephant Boy said he was angry with HowardTV's Doug Goodstein for saying he "reeked" at the taping of Wack Pack Bowling, so Doug came in to take another whiff: "It smells like B.O. and deodorant that's covering B.O." Howard then outlined what Elephant Boy would have to do to meet Kurt Angle: put on a bikini (and, at Artie's request, tape a dildo to his chest) and sit on the Sybian while Kurt is in studio. Then, as Elephant Boy asks Kurt questions, he'd also have to endure the Sybian's highest vibration setting.After the break, Elephant Boy came in wearing a polka-dot bikini and a dildo taped to his chest and sat on the Sybian as Will took up the controls. TNA wrestler Kurt Angle followed Elephant Boy in - and Elephant Boy asked how he was doing, as the Sybian rev’ed underneath him. Kurt took one look at the scene before him and laughed: "I was a lot better before I came in here." Elephant Boy then tried to ask Kurt several questions from his seat on the Sybian, but between his speech impediment and the machine's loud vibrations, it was hard to tell what he was asking. Kurt told Howard that he was 4-years sober from what used to be a 100-pill-a-day addiction to pain killers: "Anything extra strength. It couldn't just be regular...it actually made me feel straight. It made me feel normal." Kurt said his problem stemmed from the fact that he broke his neck on 4 separate occasions and it got so bad, he'd begin each day with 20 pills. Kurt said he eventually went to his boss, Vince McMahon, asking for time off to go to rehab, but Vince said no, forcing Kurt to spend the next 5 months kicking the habit himself. Kurt added that this eventually led to his leaving the WWE and that he had only just patched up his relationship with Vince. Howard asked if wrestling was also to blame for his divorce, and Kurt confirmed that he thought it probably was. A LOVER AND A FIGHTER Kurt confessed that he had a "major thing" for Robin: "I actually wrote her a poem...ever since ["Private Parts"] I've suppressed my feelings about Robin...I can't even look at her right now." Howard asked to hear the poem, so Kurt took his headphones off, got down on his knees to read his poem (titled "To My Love Robin"): "To my love Robin, I am a bachelor and true love is hard to find I maybe a wrestler but you may love me for my mind. You are living the single life again and are ready for the next phas and just like Dr. Roni I will make you a new woman in 21 days. I won a gold medal in the Olympics they say I never have been beat I am also a gold medalist in the sack much better than vegetables and meat. TNA pays me millions to wrestle and cross the line I will never ever bitch even about an $800 bottle of wine. We can go to the theater we can roll around in the grass we can get coffee at Starbucks but please don't try to squirt it up my ass. Robin please give me a chance for a love like you've never seen and I'm much more well hung than that damn Jim Florentine. I will look past your shortcomings and unlike Howard I don't snore I don't even care that you scored an f’ing 34. Any man who disrespects you I will certainly strangle so how does this sound my sweetheart oh Robin Ophelia Angle. I can make love to you all night and I'll make you squeal I'll have you screaming its real, Damn Real." KURT WILL KILL YOU IN 3 SECONDS Howard wondered if Kurt could kill everyone in the room, so Kurt estimated: "In like three seconds...I'd double-leg ya and ground-and-pound ya." Howard asked if Kurt had ever considered getting into mixed martial arts, and Kurt replied: "I'm still considering it...but I make a lot where I am." Kurt took a calls from a very angry Iron Sheik (today's insult: "gold digger!" and, of course: "Jew!") and Eric the Midget, who asked if Kurt would coming to his area anytime soon. Kurt confirmed it, even extending an invitation for the little guy to come backstage and hang out [Kurt was last on the show when Eric was also on and he had made Eric an honorary member of his Main Event Mafia at the time]. The crew warned Kurt to be careful what he was getting himself into.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
ROBIN THE QUEEN OF ALL NARCISSISTS DR. DREW WOULD BANG A ROBIN Dr. Drew Pinsky and Dr. Mark Young came in to promote their new book, "The Mirror Effect: How Celebrity Narcissism is Seducing America." First though, Dr. Drew turned his attention to the rash on Artie's arms and hands: "It almost looks like a bruise." Robin noted that she had a crush on Drew, so Howard asked if he'd ever bang "a Robin." Dr. Drew replied quickly: "Of course." Drew then read over the results of a narcissism test, which he'd administered to the staff several years ago as part of his new book. ROBIN IS AN "OFF THE CHARTS" NARCISSIST Drew laughed that Robin scored off the charts on the test: "She is the winner." Howard said the average score was a 15 and for a celebrity the average was 18 – Robin, however, came in at 34, which was the highest score of anyone...anywhere. Robin insisted Drew had fabricated the results, but Drew's co-author, Dr. Mark Young, insisted the results were very real - he's given the test to hundreds of people, and has yet to come across a higher score: "There are seven categories of narcissism, and she scored close to the maximum in every one...higher than 99% of the population." Robin joked that the doctors might want to study her, and Drew replied, "The answer's yes. Of course." Drew then said Howard had a very healthy score, a 15, and credited his thrice-weekly treatment for keeping him grounded. Howard repeated his idea that Robin should undergo treatment/psychotherapy, but Robin resisted: "I work on myself! Drew, I'm really sick of you at this point...I believe these are all made-up numbers." Howard laughed: "Dr. Drew smiles when he looks at me and frowns when he looks at you." THE STAFF NARCISSISM SCORES REVEALED Howard asked Dr. Drew if Robin's narcissism played a role in the three $800 bottles of wine she once ordered on his tab, and Drew confirmed it: "I think there's some anger there." Drew added that Gary scored a very normal 11, Sal 14, Fred 11, Benjy 26, Richard 24, Jon Hein 22 and Artie 17. Howard then showed Drew footage of Artie falling asleep/"doing the dance" and asked his opinion. Drew said, "I see somebody who is not in a normal mental state." howardstern.com
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Howard welcomed Brenda Acevedo, Miss HowardTV of the Year for 2008, to the studio and congratulated her on the new title. Brenda nervously stuttered a response, and Howard thanked her for the ego boost: "In high school I would've cut my nuts off for you." Brenda showed the crew the diamond necklace she won as part of the prize, and Artie complimented where it fell: "It hangs right in the middle of your big, pendulous breasts." Brenda asked Robin how she felt about her breast-reduction surgery, so Robin told her to be careful: "I've seen some breast-reduction jobs that are just heinous." Brenda said she was still considering it: "When you come out and you're all natural, some things just aren't where you expect them to be." Brenda also said she was huge Artie fan - but had a serious boyfriend, a professional poker player.Despite this cockblock, Brenda asked if Artie would like to feel her breasts (with her boyfriend’s permission of course). Never being one to look a gift horse in the mouth, Artie jumped up and gave them a squeeze. Brenda was thrilled: "It's Artie! I don't think I'll realize it until I watch it back and think, 'What the hell did I do?'" Howard asked if Artie used the right amount of pressure, but she wanted more: "He was too soft." CHRISTIE KANE MASTURBATES A LOT Howard then welcomed Christie Kane, Miss HowardTV for April, who spoke with a strange affect. Howard asked if she was hard of hearing, but she denied it: "No, I'm just from Brooklyn." Howard then ran Christie through her sexual history, including the time she and a friend took turns tying each other up and performing oral sex. Christie laughed that she even hooked up with a drunken Hasidic man at a recent party: "I'm just a very sexual person." Christie claimed she masturbates ten times a day and was once caught mid-diddle in a tanning booth. Emboldened, Howard wondered if the crew could take a look at her boobs, so she whipped 'em out. Robin asked if it was a good view, and Howard answered quickly: "Yes, it's good! They're two boobs!" Christie then jumped on the Sybian and went for a ride: "It vibrates a lot." After a scream-heavy ride, Christie had trouble standing: "That was so f’ing hot...I wanna take it home." howardstern.com
Monday, March 16, 2009
PORN STAR BARRETT LONG IS “ONLY” GAY-FOR-PAY Gay porn star Barrett Long stopped by to explain how he reconciles the gay sex he has on film with his heterosexuality. Barrett said he rarely takes it: "But, I have given it hundreds of time." Barrett then presented the crew with a dildo molded from his 11" penis - and then amazed Howard by taking out his own penis, bending over and giving it a lick: "I could blow myself." Robin asked how long Barrett had been sucking his own penis, and Barrett admitted he learned to do it as a teenager. Howard noted that Barrett got into gay porn strictly for the money, claiming he could make more in an hour doing porn than he did in a whole week at his previous job, and Barrett added that he chose gay porn over hetero porn for the "safety issues." Howard asked how it was possible to get hard for a man if you're not gay, so Barrett explained that he was broke, fresh out of jail (drug charges) and desperate: "I was working at a debt consolidation company for 50 hours a week...I wanted to blow my brains out...I knew I was meant for greater things." YOU SPELL IT B-I, HE SPELLS IT B-U-Y Barrett told the crew he recently started his own porn company, and he'll be releasing films in which he bangs both guys and girls. Howard asked if Barrett ever blew a dude outside of porn, and Barrett confirmed it: "Gay-for-pay. You can call it 'bi' and spell it however you want. I spell it B-U-Y." Barrett said he still worked as an escort: "For men or women...husbands will hire me to screw their wives." Barrett also rattled off his rates: $400 for the first hour and $200 for each additional hour - with a 2-hour minimum. Barrett noted that he had a long client list, including a member of the Dallas Cowboys (which Artie loved). Howard thought Barrett must have "a ton of the New York Mets" on his list, but Barrett denied it. Artie said it was one thing to get hard for another guy: "But f’ing a guy for a while?" Barrett said he used a lot of pot to take his mind off it and relax: "I only smoke weed on days that end in Y...It's about me. It's about getting my big dick serviced and opening up asses with it." howarsstern.com
Thursday, March 12, 2009
NOW-FM HAS NO IDEA Howard started the show discussing K-ROCK's switch to a Top 40 format - and then read a transcript of the change-over announcement/promo which explained how they were changing the name from K-ROCK to NOW-FM and how they were going to do Top 40 better than all the others that have been doing it in New York for the past 20 years. Tim Sabean came in to say they did it all wrong: "Relationships, baby. Relationships." Howard played a clip from a video-blog made by the station's new morning DJ, Lisa Page, in which she tours her new studio (which happens to be Howard's old one): "She has no idea how depressing it's gonna get."
Sunday, March 8, 2009
ARTIE'S LETTERMAN SURPRISE ARTIE & DANA REUNITE AT LETTERMAN Artie confirmed a Howard100 News story that he brought Dana to his appearance on Letterman last night and repeatedly introduced her as his girlfriend: "It was an impulsive thing to say and it was probably the wrong thing to say...I would say that maybe we are trying to get back together." Artie added: "We love each other and we'll always love each other." Howard asked what stumbling blocks were keeping them from officially getting back together, so Artie joked: "We're hoping for Liberty Media to give us a loan." Artie explained that Dana had called to congratulate him on the success with his book, and after they'd talked for a while, he invited her to sit backstage during his (two-segment!) appearance. ...AND THINGS QUICKLY HEAT UP Later, Steve Langford reported that Artie and Dana held hands backstage, so Artie became irritated: "People can't even hold hands?" Artie finished the rest of the story himself, saying he got a kiss at the end of the night. Artie then listed one of the reasons he loved Dana: "She's one of those Jersey Italians who, when she gets angry, starts yelling and it's so entertaining...she's like [Andrew] Dice Clay." Dana Or Hot Model ( Stripper for Artie ?????
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Andrew Dice Clay stopped by to discuss getting kicked off "Celebrity Apprentice" and congratulated Artie on the success of his book. Dice then claimed he appeared on "Celebrity Apprentice" for the exposure: "I know Trump. I used to do the Taj...I'm the nicest guy in the world - you know that...they call me and I've gotta drag my dick outta my girlfriend to get there...because of the huge viewership...I didn't think I'd win, but I thought I'd do real good." Dice went on: "I'm not mad about what the show is, it's about what you didn't see." Dice said he saw the set-up coming, so he grabbed Mark Burnett, the producer, by the collar and told him not to f’ him over. Dice added that when Trump said he made a career out of demeaning women, he replied, "No, I made a career out of being funny" - but his response was cut out. George didn’t think Dice belonged on the show to begin with: "He's a dynamic, singular character. He had no business being there." DICE ON JOAN RIVERS "She's like, 'This face cost $150,000.' And I'm like, 'Get your money back.'" SHULI PASSES THE DICE TEST Dice said he recently did some gigs in Canada with Shuli and messed with him the entire time. Dice laughed that he convinced Shuli to do some sure-to-bomb material, sent other comics onstage in the middle of his set, and forced him to take the stage a second time after he finished his set. Shuli said he enjoyed the experience: "I felt like it was a test he was doing." Howard thought Dice was being mean ("You humiliated him.") but Dice claimed he was just trying to make sure Shuli "got" the Dice schtick. ROLLING THE DICE Dice claimed he used to gamble big in Donald Trump's casinos ("There was one time I lost $700,000 three nights in a row.") but he hasn't gambled (or smoked) in eight years: "The minute you sit down to gamble, you're losing...you're just getting money for, really, nothing."
SAL'S WIFE WORKS FOR A SNOW DAY Sal came in to tell the crew that he had trouble getting his car started in the snow this morning. But after telling his wife, Christine, about this, he said he went to take a shower, only to find Christine frantically shoveling his car out of the snow. Sal said Christine even got the car started herself: "Not only that, just in case my car couldn't get out of the driveway, she started the truck!" Sal speculated that Christine just wanted to enjoy her day off without him - but Howard hinted that she might've planned a rendezvous with her emotional friend: "I wonder if anyone else has the day off today?" Sal dismissed Howard's question but confessed that Christine had once had her emotional friend over to the house to fix his kids' swingset: "Back then. This was prior to me busting her." George asked why they stayed married, and Sal replied they really did still love each other...in fact he even got some "Action Jackson" from her last weekend.