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Friday, February 27, 2009
50 CENT ON GROUPIES, FAME 50 Cent stopped by to promote his new video game, "50 Cent: Blood in the Sand," and told Howard: "I came here at just the right time. Porn stars leaving!" Howard thought 50 would be too busy with groupies for porn stars, but 50 denied it: "It depends on the circumstances of my level of horniness...it's where you're at physically at that point. Sometimes you eat a meal and [then] stop off at McDonalds." Howard asked if 50 was scoring any famous women, but 50 kept his nose clean: "Nah. None of that." Howard referenced the rumor that 50 had knocked out a fellow cast member on the set of "Righteous Kill," so 50 explained: "They made that up. I swear to you, I didn't hit nobody." 50 added that the public's desire to see a celebrity fall apart (like Britney Spears) was actually the inspiration behind his forthcoming record [coming this summer]. PAY OFF YOUR WOMEN, DON'T BEAT 'EM While they were talking about celebrity schadenfreude, 50 mentioned Chris Brown and Rihanna: "Anybody who uses current events in their material would make a joke out of it...but when you get to that point, when she's beaten like that, it's not funny anymore." 50 said Chris Brown was "as clean cut as they come" prior to the incident: "He'll never make it back to where he was...he'll have to become something different." Robin asked how his ongoing (and oft-publicized) child support negotiations were going, so 50 explained that he paid $84,000 in child support, which his babymomma gets tax-free (the equivalent of a $130,000 income) - but she still wants more for dubious reasons: "What kind of 12-year-old kid spends that? It got to that point where it's completely about money." howardstern.com
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Month: March 2009 Age: 24 Height: 5'8" Weight: 120 Measurements: 34D-24-35 Sign: Aquarius Janessa Brazil, next month's Miss HowardTV, stopped by to say hello, and Howard told her she was even more attractive in person than on her X-rated website. Howard remarked that there wasn't an ounce of fat on Janessa, and Artie marveled at her amazing skin: "Alright. I gotta get outta here...look at her ass. I mean, that is f’ing flawless." Janessa then told the crew she'd only had sex with one man, but many women: "I like my women." ASS AND PANTY-STUFFING Janessa said she made money by starring in personalized videos in which she masturbates on a webcam for her customers. Janessa claimed she even did fetish videos that feature acts like "panty-stuffing," which involved shoving panties inside herself ("All the way. You can't even see the panties."), masturbating and pulling the soaked panties back out. She also does foot fetish videos: "Sometimes they just like to see the bottoms of your feet crinkle." Howard asked if Janessa had a limit, so she replied that she won't put a high heel in her vagina: "It's just dirty." Artie stepped his usual "hottest chick we've ever had up here" line up to another level: "She's my favorite person in the world." Janessa then noted that she'd just started stretching her anus with her fingers: "The furthest I'll [currently] go is two fingers." WAS IT AS GOOD FOR YOU TOO? It took no effort to get Janessa to strip down and jump on the Sybian. Gary donned a welder's mask (so that no one would be distracted by his lips/teeth/face during Janessa's ride) and took the controls. Janessa seemed to enjoy the ride: "I'm coming! Oh f’!" Howard commended her style: "I notice you grabbed your breasts a lot during that." Janessa loved it: "That was the best orgasm ever...that was the real deal. I'm shaking." howarstern.com
Monday, February 23, 2009
ARTIE SHACKS UP WITH "NOT-A-HOOKER" Artie told the crew that he met up with a former hooker in Vegas over the break: "She's a - well, she used to be paid. I think I fell in love with a hooker...she's a real person. You know, a lot of people think whores aren't real people." Howard said he was surprised to learn that several well known, wealthy guys married former hookers, but Artie didn't think he'd follow suit ("She has kids."). He also claimed to have gotten the numbers of a few of the Playmates he met at the taping of Sam Simon's charity poker show (for Playboy TV). Artie said he got so turned on by the Playmates, he called up his "not-a-hooker" and took her to his hotel room: "This was quick because I told her I was horny." Artie then changed his flight to a later hour and shacked up with his friend for a good 10 hours, banging her a reported 4 times – all with condoms, of course. HE'S UP $6K, NO THANKS TO SAM SIMON Artie laughed that the rules of Sam's show were suspect - after getting knocked out, losing players were told they owed Sam any money (outside a complimentary $500) they'd lost on camera. Howard joked: "It's like being on 'ER' and then getting a hospital bill." Artie then did a little math, saying he lost $8K on Sam's show, but won $14K at the casino tables - in the end, he was up $6K. After Artie sang some “suggestive” songs he thought the African guides might have sung to her as they climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, Angie had one comment: "You really are a foul man." ARTIE'S LIVING THE DREAM Artie told a story about being offered a lot of money to do the next season of Celebrity Rehab, but he turned it down: "My dream is right now: being able to turn down 'Celebrity Rehab.'" Artie said one thing could convince him: "I wanna know what damaged chicks would be on with me." Howard noted that Andy Dick was offered $500,000 to do the show's first season, so Artie should hold out for more cash. howardstern.com Richard Christy's Epic Heavy Metal-Comedy-Viking-Rock Opera MAJESTIC LOINCLOTH Perhaps the Manliest Movie Ever Made! Watch At Your Own Risk, Contains Dangerous Amounts Of Testosterone.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
ARTIE IS SICK AND WE ALL SUFFER Howard started off the show noting that Artie wouldn't be in: "It's a sick day for Artie." Robin was irritated, referencing the way Artie's absence seems to take over the conversation: "And it's a sick day for us." Jason came in to say Artie called his cellphone, which isn't wired for recording: "I was actually really worried about him...he said it wasn't anything drug related." Before hanging up, Artie scared Jason: "He said, 'I'm not gonna hurt myself if that's what you're thinking.'" Robin thought Artie was lying about his illness: "He's said here that he's never been sick." Benjy had a different take: "Based on what he's said, he's most likely withdrawing from drugs than doing drugs." "MISSING THIS SHOW SEEMS TO BE OK" Gary came in with yet another theory, this time based on the [off-air] issue Artie has said was plaguing his personal life. Howard dismissed all the theories in favor of proof: "I would know Artie was really sick if he missed [his upcoming poker gameshow with Norm MacDonald and Sam Simon in] Vegas. Missing this show seems to be ok." HOWARDSTERN.COM
Monday, February 9, 2009
steroid-use whistle-blower Brian McNamee stopped by, and Howard asked him why he was talking to the show and no one else. Brian explained that after testifying in front of Congress, there was only one place left to go. Howard asked how Brian got involved with Roger Clemens, so Brian said he was a team trainer - but was eventually let go by the Yankees, so Roger gave him a personal job: "I was also training Andy Pettitte at the time." Howard asked if he could improve his workout results with steroids, but Brian claimed he never knew much about steroids: "It wasn't really part of my daily regimen. I was just doing what the players asked." Howard wondered if Brian really had needles with Clemens' DNA on them, and Brian avoided the question: "You'd have to talk to the DA about that...it's not 100%." Artie thought that meant there was Clemens DNA on the needles, but not steroids inside - again, Brian didn't answer. BRIAN CONTINUES TO CLAM UP Howard asked Brian if the steroid scandal had ruined his life, but Brian denied it: "I'm on The Howard Stern Show. How could it have ruined my life?" Artie didn't think that meant much: "I've been on the show for eight years." Howard and Artie also wanted to know about the time Brian injected Clemens' wife with steroids, and after a thorough tooth-pulling, Brian finally admitted he injected 'roids in her belly button in the couples' master bathroom (Roger was present). SO THAT’S WHY YOU’RE HERE Howard mentioned that Brian had brought a really hot chick with him this morning and invited her into the studio. Brian introduced everyone to Mai Tran and Artie immediately seized on her name: “you’re not a tranny are you?” Fortunately Mai is (and always has been) all woman. Mai explained that Brian has been training her for several years and the pair had recently started a Website with some friends where they talk about sports and people can play checkers against Mai.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE BROKE HIS PENIS JOHNNY KNOXVILLE SAVED STEVE-O Johnny Knoxville stopped by to promote his new MTV show, "Nitro Circus," and Howard told him he looked good - much better than the last time he came in (right after "Jackass 2" had wrapped). Howard asked how Steve-O was doing, so Johnny said: "Fine! He's been clean and sober since after we had him in 51-50'd...he's done amazing." Johnny told the crew that toward the end, Steve-O was doing a whole laundry list (including hundreds of Whip-it canisters) of drugs every day. Johnny added that he had an easier time getting Steve-O into rehab than he thought the show would with Artie: "You better have some big dudes with you." Howard asked how Johnny had succeeded in getting Steve to rehab, so he explained that a bunch of Steve's friends decided to help - the last straw was Steve threatening to jump a mini-motorcycle from his apartment window onto the roof next door: "We got 7 or 8 or 9 big guys...I took the camera from him and said, 'You're going and we're taking you.'" A SINGLE JACKASS ROAMS HOLLYWOOD Now that Johnny's divorced, Howard finally got him to comment on all the celebrity women he'd been photographed with during his marriage: "I never got so far out of control...but I hurt a lot of people, honestly." Johnny said he'd since met a new girl and hardly ever leaves her side. Howard asked what Johnny did to his wedding ring tattoo, so Johnny held up his finger, confessing: "I got it lasered." Johnny denied ever hooking up with Kate Moss: "No. I knew Kate...I know Kate. She's very nice, but, uh..." A caller disputed Johnny's account, saying he was actually in rehab with Kate when Johnny came to visit, so Johnny admitted: "I did visit her. Yeah. Uh..." Howard mentioned Lindsay Lohan as well, but Johnny claimed he'd never banged her either - they're just victims of media speculation: "I don't think that puts me in any, uh, in any exclusive club anyway." STICK THIS UP YOUR PENIS TWICE DAILY Johnny told the crew about how he tore his urethra during a stunt, explaining how he has to flush it twice daily by sticking a tube into his penis - all the way up to his bladder (only 10 – 11 inches). Johnny claimed the process prevented scar tissue from constricting: "In the beginning it was [difficult]...it's not that bad anymore. I've gotten used to something horrible." Howard was appropriately shocked, and Johnny sympathized: "It's not cool...I'm just like, "Ok, this is a consequence.'" Johnny added that breaking his arm or leg never phased him, but breaking his penis got his attention
Monday, February 2, 2009
FLAVOR FLAV IS ALREADY DOWN ON YOU Flavor Flav stopped by to promote his "Nite Tales" DVD and asked Robin if she was running for president: "You're behind the bulletproof ‘boof’!" Flavor added that he felt partly responsible for Obama's presidency: "A Jewish president is next!" Howard wondered if Flavor had a tough time dating Bridget Nielsen: "Did you go down on her?" Flavor laughed: "I was already down on her! She's 6'2" [and] I'm 5'8"!" Flavor told the crew that he lost his virginity at 6-years-old: "We were experimenting, man...natural instincts." Flavor laughed that he hasn't stopped since: "My three oldest...they live out on Long Island [with their mother]...my middle three [with their mother]...they moved up to Albany...my last one, his name is Karma...he lives with me [and his mother] in Las Vegas." Flavor said planned to keep going, as he wanted three more children. LIVE FROM CELL #3432 Howard asked if Flavor if he still talked with former rap partner, Chuck D, and Flavor claimed he did: "There were times when he was trying to get up on my [VH1] show." Howard also wondered if Flavor would consider a return to radio. Flavor said he might - and noted that he used to work with Lisa G at Hot97: "Lisa’s always been single, man...honestly, I think Lisa’s scared. I think she’s scared of love from a man." Flavor noted that he was the only radio host to ever broadcast from jail, adding that his longest sentence was for two-and-a-half years: "I know it was wrong, what I did. But back in the day? I was the man!...The gang I was in, some of the stuff I had to do." Flavor told the crew that he faced some tough guys in prison: "They thought they'd make a name for themselves and beat up Flavor Flav...This was in the sixth building. The sixth building of Riker's Island." howardstern.com
HOWARD IS ON FACEBOOK Howard said Beth signed him up for Facebook (under a pseudonym) and he spent the weekend exploring the site: "I already hate it. I hate Facebook so much." Howard started writing messages on Beth's wall and was annoyed that he had to come up with witty shit all the time. Gary came in to explain some of the network's finer points, but couldn't explain the image on Scott DePace's page of a cartoon Obama with klansmen in the background. Scott came in to claim he didn't realize klansmen were in the image on his page ("I had no idea!"), adding that he was just learning his way around as well. Howard then listed his complaints (other than Scott's background), including the burden of coming up with "witty shit" to write on people's "walls" and some of his friends' lame status updates: "Like, 'Ross Zapin is eating dinner.'" howardstern.com