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Tuesday, April 29, 2008
HOT FOR POTTER Penthouse Pets, Justine Joli and Alexis Love stopped by to plug their Websites. Justine said she'd been dancing burlesque at The Box, a downtown nightclub, and the results have been a chiseled body. Howard told Justine he loved her new body and then turned his attention to Alexis, a 20-year-old porn star. Before Howard could get too far, Justine took issue with Artie for not going out with her business partner, Leah, despite Leah making it very clear that she was interested in him, so Artie explained that he didn't have time to meet up with her when he was last in LA. Justine complained that some of the girls she tries to hook up with “chicken out” on her (“Real lesbians are easier to go home with”) and the neck-breaking positions her trainer puts her in when he bangs her. Howard was so excited by the stories, he decided to ask Justine some questions about her favorite subject, Harry Potter – with the punishment for an incorrect answer being a swift spank from Artie: What color are Harry Potter's eyes? Justine knew they're green. Who wrote the Hogwarts textbook “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them”? Newt Scamander – correct. How many children are in Ron Weasley's family? Seven – correct. “YOU'LL LOVE ME. I'M VERY AVERAGE.” Artie was bored by the nerdy quiz (“Enough!”) and Howard wasn't getting anywhere with it, so he asked Justine and Alexis to strip. Both jumped at the chance. After the crew got done ogling, Howard wondered how long Alexis has been in porn. Alexis said she'd been in 110 films in the two years since turning 18, but she won't do black guys: “They have big penises...I'm average. I'm not big on big.” Howard was happy to hear it: “You'll love me. I'm very average.” Howard noted that the girls were rubbing each other as they talked, so Justine confessed that they had already planned to hook up after the show. As she was describing what she would do to Alexis, the two began making out. Artie thought Alexis' teeth and lips were very Baba Booey-ish, so Alexis explained that she was wearing Invisaline braces, which made her teeth and lips appear larger and added: “Are you just bitter because you got dumped?” THE SEXED-UP HARRY POTTER GAME CONTINUES Howard got back to the “nerdy” questions: Who was the Grand Sorcerer? Justine incorrectly answered “Lord Voldemort,” so Artie came around the console to spank her. Justine told Artie that she'd remove his balls if he gave her a bruise, so he spanked her a few times (until she stopped saying “harder”) to gauge her pain tolerance. Who was the captain of Gryffindor's Quidditch team? Justine took issue with the question: “For years 5 and 6 it was Harry, but for the first three it was Oliver Wood.” Freaked out by Justine's knowledge, Howard threw the question away and tried the final question, noting that an incorrect answer would get Artie a free feel session. In “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone,” what does Harry give Hagrid for Christmas? Justine couldn't remember the correct answer – a wooden flute – so Artie got to cop his feel. Justine hated it: “I'm so skeeved out right now!”
Labels: penthouse pets
Monday, April 28, 2008
THE QUIVERTINES DINE WITH PORN STARS Howard asked Robin about some reports he heard about her weekend, so Robin confirmed that she attended Jim Florentine's impromptu show on Thursday (he dropped by the comedy club to work on some material) because they were already out together. Robin also admitted that they shared a three-hour meal with porn star Tabitha Stevens - but insisted that they didn't have a threesome. Howard then speculated that Robin was in love with Jim, but Robin refused to respond. Under pressure, Robin eventually admitted that she has considered Jim to be her boyfriend for “a few months.”
Friday, April 25, 2008
REST IN PEACE, KENNETH KEITH Steve Langford reported that Kenneth Keith Kallenbach died of pneumonia early this morning and, in a rare show of emotion, broke down in the middle of the story: “I'm sad.” Howard said the legal issues that preceded Kenneth's death left him unsure of how to feel. Steve said he wanted to know if Kenneth had been receiving proper medical care in prison - but refused to speculate further when Howard asked if it might have been a suicide. howardstern.com
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Eric the Midget called in to gloat that he was right the whole time: a priest who tried to fly with balloons is missing and presumed dead. Howard said Eric would never be in similar danger, as the balloon stunt would take place in the studio, but Eric insisted the stunt would never happen. Eric began droning on about his search for the World's Hottest Stripper, but Howard cut him off to pitch the Colin Quinn-directed “Taxi Driver” remake. As everyone expected, Eric wasn't sure if he'd like to star in the project.
Labels: eric the midget
Monday, April 21, 2008
THE FAMILY STAYS TOGETHER Howard kicked off the show by taking a bunch of calls from people who thought Artie was back, but Howard held off...leaving it up to Artie to announce: “Yes, I'm here.” Howard said it was a miracle, as Artie is not only present, but clean shaven and sober-looking. Artie added, “I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry. It was all my fault. This week, I've been overwhelmed by people calling me. I feel like part of a family...I f’ed up in a major way. I've been f’ing up my whole life.” Artie laughed that the outpouring of support was so great, even Jimmy Kimmel and David Spade called with offers for him to come stay at their homes. Artie then commented on the other question on everyone's mind: “Teddy's a good kid. He wasn't stealing any money from me. I don't want him to quit his job at Sirius.” THE MAD FAT MASS AFTERMATH Artie had more to clear up, though. Contrary to the NY Post's report that he ate at the Brooklyn Diner after Thursday's blow up, Artie drowned his sorrows in a plate of food at a diner near his place in Jersey. Artie recovered from his “emotional blackout” with a mozzarella omelet with sausage, rye toast with butter and jam, and two chocolate milks. Then he went to Starbucks to get a cookie. Howard asked where Artie stood with Teddy, so Artie told the crew that “I saw Teddy and made eye contact with him as we were getting on the plane [to Amsterdam]...it was too soon to start a conversation with him.” They didn't see each other at all while they were in Holland, but they've since reconciled: Teddy will now just work for Artie as a kind of road manager, and Artie is now looking for someone who has experience with the clerical and administrative tasks required of a professional assistant. “NOT NECESSARILY STONED, BUT BEAUTIFUL” Artie laughed that he really enjoyed Amsterdam alone. “I didn't do any of the H's that I love: heroin or hookers. I took a boat tour and we went to the red light district...These whores are in lockers with windows. This was a Wednesday afternoon [so] some of them were really old. I didn't partake in anything...but I smoked a joint. It was fantastic weed.” Artie compared his (legal) high to Jimi Hendrix's line in “Are You Experienced”: “Not necessarily stoned, but beautiful.” Artie also praised the pancakes he got from the “fat little old women” in Amsterdam: “After smoking weed like that and walking a little bit...god it was just fantastic. I was by myself. I had an enormous pancake. I was so happy. It was probably the best afternoon I've ever had. I then walked off the pancake and got back to my hotel. I fell asleep and woke up at 1am.” howardstern.com
today on Mondays show Howard Stern announces that Artie is back , and Artie says sorry to everybody for his reaction towards teddy ! Also Howard announces that they will air the rebroadcast on the famous Artie i quit show , the show should be available to view on Howard on demand by midnight today or by Tuesday night !Artie also talked about getting high on his trip to Amsterdam , no hookers , but he had the best pancakes he every had on his trip ! stay tune for more info !
Sunday, April 20, 2008
WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? What will Howard say when he first gets back on the air? What impact did the bachelor party trip to Amsterdam have on the Howard Stern crew? What will transpire from last week’s events? You’ll have to tune in Monday to find out…
Saturday, April 12, 2008
April 12, 2008 -- LOOKS like Howard Stern sidekick Artie Lange made a quick recovery from his outburst on Thursday's show. Lange, who lunged at and threw a cup of water on his assistant Teddy for substituting the word Bloomie's for Bloomingdale's, was spotted boarding a flight for his planned trip to Amsterdam with other Stern show regulars Thursday night. According to one spy, Lange "made eye contact" with Teddy, who was on the same flight, but still kept his distance. Lange flew first class and exited before Teddy, then hopped in a cab and headed to his hotel. His career fate lies in the hands of Sirius satellite honchos, who will decide if he will return to the show.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
?? more info to follow ! howard stern fired artie today , big fight on the show ! stay tuned! Howard Stern's sidekick quits show April 10, 2008 Sun-Times Staff Reports Comedian Artie Lange quit his 7-year-run as Howard Stern's sidekick during a violent outburst on Thursday's Sirius Satellite Radio broadcast. Lange, who brings his stand-up routine to Waukegan's Genesee Theatre on June 6, had an altercation with his personal assistant in hallways of Stern's studio that made its way on air and nearly became physical before show staffers intervened. » Click to enlarge image Comedian Artie Lange quit his role on the Howard Stern show.(Crumbsbakeshop.com) The former "MadTV" star couldn't assure Stern that similar outbursts wouldn't happen again, telling the shock jock: "I'm not a good person ... I gotta leave ... I love you" and offered his resignation, which Stern accepted. Lange's battle with drugs and alcohol have been well-chronicled on the show and colleagues have been concerned for his health both on the air and behind the scenes. The New Jersey-based comic, whose weight has reached nearly 300 pounds since Stern's show moved to Sirius in 2006, has often complained about the rigors of the morning show's schedule. On Wednesday, Lange slept through much of Stern's show on a bed set up in studio. Thursday's resignation was not the first time Lange has flirted with quitting the show on-air. In 2007, Lange said he would leave the show for a 6-month sabbatical to "dry out," only to return along with the rest of crew after the show's week-long summer break. Fans will have to wait and see if Lange's announced resignation will hold this time. Stern's show does not broadcast live on Friday and will be on vacation next week.
Monday, April 7, 2008
BEWARE OF THE EXPLODING MIKE Dr. Keith Ablow stopped by to help some staff members through their interpersonal conflicts, and Howard kicked things off by explaining Artie's problem with High Pitch Mike. Mike then came in to say the feud started after Artie called him a f----t “over a dozen times,” but he said Dr. Ablow's expertise could be put to better use with the feuds between Jason and Scott DePace or JD and Jared, as those pairs at least have a chance at one day sitting down for a beer together. Dr. Ablow thought Mike's heart-on-his-sleeve attitude was destined to conflict with Artie, since Artie is a mass of walls and defenses (Mike's near opposite, or relief image). Mike didn't think there was any chance of resolution if Artie wasn’t even willing to resolve his issues with those he loves, like Dana. Dr. Ablow asked Artie why he chose to feud with Mike, but Mike interrupted, saying he wanted to avoid either party being pushed to the point of “exploding.” “ONLY COMPLIMENTS, DOUCHEBAG!” Robin thought it was interesting that Artie wouldn't let Mike off the hook, but Artie took issue with the characterization: “What, you think I planned this? Being crucified for being witty?” Dr. Ablow asked Mike to say something nice to Artie, so Mike said he thought Artie had a beautiful family and the show was lacking when Artie was out, as Artie's contributes some funny one-liners. In return, Artie would only say he agreed. Robin then speculated that Mike was just repeating a pattern of conflict, as that's the only way he knows how to have a relationship with a bully, and Dr. Ablow advised Mike to continue killing Artie's hostility with kindness. Unfortunately, the pain of stroking the fat man's ego eventually wore Mike down, and his kindnesses began to carry a hint of sarcasm. As Mike's efforts began to falter, Artie cracked up the studio by shouting out: “Only compliments, douchebag!” Howardstern.com
Thursday, April 3, 2008
PREPARE YOURSELF FOR “GARYPALOOZA” Howard started off the show announcing that today was going to be a “Garypalooza”: the show will be introducing Gary the Retard to Hitler, Angelina Jolie, and Abraham Lincoln - and then sending him to the moon. Howard showed the crew the “spaceship” they had built explaining how Gary would get into the ship and be “launched”/dragged to the green room, which was set up to look like the moon. Isaac Mark from HowardTV came in to add that they've hidden various things around the “moon” for Gary to find, like cheese and a Playboy magazine. ERIC THE GOATEED MIDGET'S ANGELS Eric the Midget called in to say his modeling agency will be open soon, but he's yet to start searching for his models in strip clubs. Howard asked Eric if he had ever had a woman in his bedroom, and Eric admitted that he did not. HowardTV then brought up Eric's webcam feed on the in-studio monitors, and Howard laughed that Eric was growing a mustache. Eric insisted that he was not only growing a mustache, but also a goatee. GARY THE RETARD ON COMEDY SHOW PROTOCOL Howard welcomed Gary the Retard to his 56th birthday celebration – Garypalooza! - and asked him if it was true that he was attracted to Miss Howard Stern. Gary replied that he would like to marry Miss Howard Stern, as he liked to masturbate while he fantasized about her and was afraid someone had chained her up in a basement. Howard also asked why Gary recently used the n-word on stage at a Killers of Comedy show in Texas, but Gary thought it was normal; “That's what people say at comedy shows.” LET GARYPALOOZA BEGIN! Richard came in as the doctor who delivered Gary and admitted that he dropped baby Gary on his head; “He was a genius when he was born - he came out doing math problems. I thought he was going to be the next Einstein, but I slipped up and dropped him.” Gary threatened to sue, so Richard promised to cure him of his retardation (by pushing the “reset button” located on his prostate inside his rectum) instead. Gary didn't want to hear it and insisted he'd rather be retarded and “with Howard” than normal. When Richard asked Gary if he ever had wondered what 9 times 9 was, Gary immediately answered “81!” Richard thought this could only mean that somebody had already pushed his “reset button,” but Gary strenuously denied that anyone had stuck anything up there. Will Murray then came in as “Angelina Jolie,” but Gary thought “Angelina” looked too much a like a guy for him. “Angelina” offered to have sex with Gary, but Gary vehemently refused, citing his last appearance, when Benjy fooled him by dressing up as a woman. Fred then came in as “Don Imus” to offer Gary a job on his show for $10 a week, but Gary told him; “You know what...you bluh blay fun of this man...get out here!” THE FIRST RETARD ON THE MOON Howard welcomed the next celebrity to say hi to Gary, Richard as “Adolph Hitler,” who told Gary about his new anti-Jew spray. Gary didn't show much interest, so Howard apologized for not being able to get good enough birthday surprise guests. Howard said he had one last guest to make up for it all: Sal as “President Abraham Lincoln.” “President Lincoln” invited Gary to be the first retard on the moon, and Gary accepted.